a little rusty, but i must

November 7, 2015 § Leave a comment

Last night didn’t have the end the way it did. But even as I was awfully, impolitely quiet in the ride back to Berkeley with my friends I love, I thought of how much it hurt to not feel intimate with those you want to find out. That’s what I want, to find you out, to be found out by you. And that you has yet to materialize. It took me a short moment to distinguish the unnamed desires from the ones I think I know. But the love that’s to be fanned into flame is not in the room. He was not in the room. Nonetheless I would have liked to seek out depth of a person, two people, three friends.

You shouldn’t say stuff like that anymore, I thought about telling him. You know he’ll say whatever is true at the moment though, which is why I love him.

I know you, he says.

And he does. It’s nice to hear another’s words & voice carry your heart out loud. Slightly foreign, but mostly familiar.

You’re not fully satiated, I caught those words, I bet he learned them from me.

I’m hypersensitive, he says again.

You mean intuitive? I asked.

No, sensitive around you. Not everyone, just you.

I want that knowing. because I realized that I didn’t have that with my friends I loved. There really are very few people whom I’ve allowed to know me, to stick around long enough to find me out, to be patient and persistent through the dry periods when I don’t know how to be vulnerable, to poke and probe me. I must not believe the lie that I am a difficult child, that I’m hard to love. This is not true, but I also know myself to not give away easily. There’s just so much in me, too much, for words. One hour? Two hours? Maybe a couple weeks? How long will it take? Sometimes they don’t come for months at end. Half a year is usually how long I process one idea. And they build on top of each other. I’m still fleshing out what I’ve envisioned for community in Oakland, April 2010. Longevity matters in a friendship with me.

So, a room full of friends: I love them; I really want to pursue many of them. I want to find out, and in the process I’m hoping that I’ll be found out too, that those I seek out will not only open up to me but expect me to do the same. As I listen patiently and ask good questions–because I’m a pro at this–I’m hoping they will know how to unlock the maze, because I need them to open me up, I don’t know how. When I will myself to say things inside me, I have not the words. They always feel forced; I get flustered and say the third closest thing to what’s actually on my mind. There’s no way of knowing what is actually in me unless you ask. I need others to open me up. That’s the knowing I want. That’s the question I need asked. That’s the depth I find myself staring into, longingly, every time.

Come find me, I thought, wherever you are. Whatever you’re doing right now, come find me. There’s a chasm I have never looked into closely enough, not necessarily for the fear of finding out what’s there, but because it requires more than one person looking. There are things inside me I’ve not experienced or named. I have an inkling of who that woman may be, what she’s like, where she treads, how she prays. You with the right words will unlock her, I know it.

in light of james 5:16

June 13, 2015 § Leave a comment

not necessarily confessing sin, but confessing nonetheless
thanks for asking whether i’m OK wednesday night, that was very loving. just to reassure you, it has nothing to do with our interactions or anything actually taken place. sometimes a lot of things only happen in my head but they’re the realest things
so as i was walking behind you, about to turn and go up ashby, i realized i would rather spend time with the one that i love, and it has to be alone because i can’t imagine being intimate with a hundred other people, at least in that moment. though that’s something we do every wk on sundays
when i walked back home, i still didn’t really know if i would just go back to sleep (i was napping right before i ran out the door) or if i would actually get to the prayer closet. but i did. still when i sat down and fidgeted with youtube to find songs for worshipful mood, i had no clue what i was to pray or feel or why. i feel like all the prayers i was trying out were mumblings, noises, not unlike the ones baby kylie or elijah makes. unintelligible, primal, groanings. and then i saw an image of a huge blue lake. i was surrounded by water and air on every side. no trees no mountains no nothing. just the water and the sky. i’ve never been to a place like that in real life, but i know they exist. and i know i will go there. what overwhelmed me was a deep longing–to be in awe, completely struck by and a little afraid of the sheer magnitude and beauty and grandeur of something like that lake. a wonder. i long to be overwhelmed. and i let out this loud wailing ‘i want my heart to feel alive!’ each time i repeated, the more true i knew that this was what i wanted. which puzzled me, because it’s not like everything i’m doing and believing for and having real joy (i think it’s real!) pursuing does not satisfy right now. i’m so content, at least i think i am. i know to persevere. i know to be faithful with and thankful for little things. i know how to shift. i know the right order and priorities of the Kingdom. it’s not like my life as is hasn’t satisfied, it’s not like i don’t know how to receive. then how or why am i still so hungry?
but i am. i am a howling beast. i am a brute animal crying in the wind. i am so hungry.
what can i do with my obsession? with the things i cannot see? is there a madness in my being? is it the wind that blows the trees? sometimes you’re further than the moon. sometimes you’re closer than my skin. and you surround me like a winter fog. you’ve come and burned me with a kiss. and my heart burns for you.
if you’re strong you won’t be led. what you think is your weakness is your greatest strength. i always feel weak when confessing hunger, desire, longing. but they grow larger still with or without my conscious feeding or gazing. i cannot ignore it. this is the inside out living. this is what drives me. this is what keeps me alive. i must be filled. how can i be satisfied? when can i meet with the Lord? what must be done for my heart to feel alive?
He spoke a bunch of things. none of them are full revelations yet. and i’m OK and have peace that He knows. but i need to keep going back; this is one of the times i gotta press in for a fuller understanding. i realize as i’m writing/processing that this deep calling unto the deep is a running theme, not only of my life–specifically my Holy Spirit encounter story–but of the handful @ the ark. what drew most of us to this place initially and what keeps us running just ahead of the curve, just at the edge of what we see/don’t see yet

to baltimore, a love poem

May 1, 2015 § Leave a comment

after reading this

pulsing
indicates fight
or flight

a monster!
out of the way!
inhumane hands have tried for so long
to keep you tamed inside.
but today,
jailbreak.

and here i watch,
thinking–
if the universe is kind enough
to grace our puny existence
with you,
we’ve never laid our eyes upon the likes.
couldn’t have dreamt of
you, if you want to fly,
fly! free! who cares who gets hurt?

your heart beating inside,
frantic running, away
from the laboratory
the inhumane hands; that unquenchable desire
to live,
also mine.

suddenly you realize,
spread the wings; they carry you
above the wind, upwards,
taking off from us pitiful
humans and our crafts our fears. i’m in tears,
finally fit
the freedom so elusive from the beginning
into a hole that’s remained empty
for so long! the thing
that has not been named.
only do we realize
how much we were missing it
until the object of our full satiation
materializes; i would never have known
what satisfy could mean
had you not wings. thank you.

you will not go back in the cage.
and by the depth of that desire do i know
that i too have wings with a purpose
other than to slow me down
in our flight. stop running child.
fly.

you will speak before kings and judges

March 31, 2015 § Leave a comment

but you will first begin by speaking at a pizzeria full of church people and happy drunk folks.

how the story would have unfolded had i prepared/actually read my notes:

hong kong, may 2010. i was in kowloon, walking along the enormous expansion of sky & water, carrying a monologue, asking this question to myself: what is life wort​h? what difference does one’s life make? it felt so easy to forget about the people and community i had built in the east bay, to be erased from & erase relationships, to live anonymously in a city half way across the globe where no one knows you. what lasting impact was i capable of having on the earth?

no answers then. all i remember is a vague sense of how lonely ​life can be, not because no one loves you, but because you can’t find the one to love. lonely because you don’t know the object of your all-​consuming desire. the entire time that God was pouring his love into me, wastefully and extravagantly, he was moving me to ask the question of how i could ever relate to another being in the way he had related to me.

​fast forward four years & seven months. here i was. kolkata region one. past 10pm or so. on our way back to lee memorial mission school in the back of an auto. kolkata was one giant hot mess of people urinating and yelling, cars honking​ and zigzag​ing through bumper to bumper traffic with every color and light and decibel and scent imaginable. « Read the rest of this entry »

to love fully, without regret

January 30, 2015 § Leave a comment

most of my adult life i’ve returned time and time again to memories of goodbyes. goodbyes to memories too. on christmas eve this past year, i wrote something for the billionth time. and a few days ago, cleaning out my purse post kolkata, i read it again–like childish scribbles on sand, we repeat words others have used over and over across time, washed away and forgotten, only to be written again by familiar hands. i know this all too well. yet the words read differently this time. i felt a close. they looped into a circle of sort; every other writing in the past about this goodbye finally ended. and by the last sentence it wasn’t about those people at all but one man. it’s always been about that man, the one i fell in love with ever since i laid my eyes on him, the one i saw again in india in a whole new light, this beautiful man.

[…] i’m having a moment with this rosencran guy and his wife’s story of moving away from paris.

maybe it’s because i haven’t had to say goodbye to anything or anyone in a while. and saying goodbye always sucks. always. right now i’m mourning every little and past goodbyes i ever had to do. and it’s not fair. i know it’s not fair. there’s no way that i’ll ever get over saying it. no matter how many times i say it, no matter how far the past has passed. it is absolutely the worst.

i can’t seem to get desensitized. every time i said goodbye to someone, even if nothing has changed for that person, i can’t help it. i mourn. my heart feels too frantic to stay put and i can’t stop those damn emotions running 500 mph.

when aaron took off to aussieland, when i left sam in hohenfels, when steve quit, when christina moved out, when hosea got married, when dumbledore died. every fcking single time. and now the baldwins clear out of their paris life without actually saying goodbye to anyone, not even to bruno!–because they simply can’t bear it.

but what i have come to believe and experience slowly is that when we say goodbye to the good, we get to see the better. it’s always been true.

i loved each and every person i mourned. i really did. and that love doesn’t go away. it doesn’t disappear. and those people don’t become any less important just because things change and life moves us in different directions. they don’t. my love for them makes me who i am now, able to love fiercely and without regret.

when push comes to shove and everything is said and done, if i had to do all this again. i would in a heartbeat. i would love all these people all over again. i would make those mistakes all over again (maybe not every single one…) if i were given a do-over, even if nothing were to change, if all still ended in heartbreaks. i would. again. knowing what i know now. i will love again. no regrets.

on the plane back to stateside, in a half dazed, half awake reflection, i knew i had done well the past three weeks of kolkata because i gave all my heart to each person i had met. Jesus told me clearly i would receive a new level of fearlessness when parting ways. i wouldn’t have to keep myself at 99% with some small and subtle dread of having to say goodbye at some point. so i took him at his words and recklessly poured out, nothing held back. the last day, up until the very last minute we got into the cab to head to the airport we blessed and prayed and spent ourselves for the people in india. i lost nothing, i mourned nothing, i regretted nothing. and in my heart i know i’ve conquered: i know how to love fully, without regret. there’s no fear in love. it’s not something new i’ve learned, i’m just made for it. everything about me has been fashioned for giving away 110%.

it’s the only way to live.

this is for you

January 28, 2014 § Leave a comment

there’s a reason why i’m starting on this side of the page on my journal. this may or may not turn into a letter

sometimes i sit at a cafe and watch people watch me. they don’t always actually watch, and if they do, never for more than a new york minute, mostly because in so cal people don’t walk. they sit in a car, and as they drive by i catch their eyes in the reflection of cafe windows. strange, their eyes say. because many a time i’m way too dressed up for just coffee and many a time an asian girl don’t sit by herself at cafes in areas like this. right now that’ll be coffee beans and teas on the corner of 9th and grand, part of the “revitalized,” gentrifying downtown los angeles. i always seek out places that make me feel less homesick, less out of place, but i realize i’ve always felt homesick and out of place, no matter where i go

maybe it’s the travel talk i read in your letter (hah! now im addressing this writing to someone. presumably the writer of the letter  mentioned just now, which could only be you, reese). maybe it’s the journal entry from two days ago, full of some complaint or another to God. i’ve been writing about how tired i am trying to keep up with everything, excel at everything, let nothing drop on my watch but obviously failing (but by whose standards?) miserably

i just saw a girl driving away by herself, eyes red and wiping her face. must have been crying about/for something. i know what it’s like to cry in transit. mostly in the public eye but in the comfort of one’s car too. you sometimes wonder if anybody, even if a stranger, cares that you’re crying. but to this day i haven’t come across any prince charming offing me kleenex on bart asking if everything is ok. the last time i cried on bart was on christmas day. it sounds #kdrama (but who doesn’t think her life is a korean drama?!)–i was coming back early from the city after a movie with some friends. actually, one friend and a bunch of his friends. normally i would’ve loitered with the rest of the group and either suggested it myself or accepted their offer of dinner. i like to think i’m a sociable person. but something about the movie (we watched american hustle. superb acting. though i never like amy adams. i don’t know why), actually something about the fact that i was watching this movie with my friend and his friends, none of them particularly the people i wanted to spend christmas day with, it just made me sad and told me to retreat. against my better judgment i pulled the party popper grandma card and left before anybody could ask me to chinese food. but it wasn’t until i got on bart and saw that my friend texted me that i started crying–“thanks for coming out. hope you don’t feel horribly sad on christmas day cuz of a flick.”

sweet of him, but he doesn’t know it’s not necessarily the movie. i don’t know quite well either. the closest thing to a realization is that i’m seeing these little ways that i seek out comfort for myself, and they never satisfy. they aren’t meant for my comfort anyway. if what i want really is intimacy and being fulling known, these hangouts won’t do. “going home” won’t do. catching up with old friends, reading good books, consuming any kind of media or food or culture, even spending time with family just won’t do. i must have what my heart was truly meant to have. and the scary thing is that it’s not up to me. the satisfaction of my soul i cannot provide for. i’m actually incapable of truly satisfying my own desires. and not being in control of that which matters the most and is dearest to your heart is not a matter of little consequence. i think i just hit something

all those times i thought i was only stirring up the water, otherwise clear but for the fact that im mucking it up; things that should’ve stayed buried; disappointments big and small that have been forgotten; wishes unfulfilled (whether because they didn’t happen the way i wanted/thought them to or because i simply didn’t recognize they were granted). they had to rise to the surface.  not for the sake of psychotherapy or my own neurotic analysis. but because the more i realize how and why i am dissatisfied (or unsatisfied? which is correct?) the more i have to decide and seek what does satisfy. higher passion, deeper root and what lasts. it’s a lesson i learn over and over again

i don’t quite remember last year’s new year resolution type of conversation with the Lord. but the year before that (must have been 2012) i remember very clearly: i was yet at another cafe–God my yelping and getting lost while driving skills that lead to discoveries of great coffee shops in the most random neighborhoods/cities should win an award!–in silverlake. this was right after i had crashed linds car. i hope i told you the story. all kinds of money and paperwork issues to deal with once i head back to the bay area, i was dreading it. and i made a promise with God that i shall become an adult now. a real legit grown up. no more whining, no more shifting the blame. no more victim/orphan mentality. no more confusing spontaneity with irresponsibility at the expense of others safety and concerns. He said alright let’s do it. i think that panned out pretty well. i feel pretty grown up now (though i did manage to get my car towed last night. will explain alter… #storyofmylife)

maybe this is my 2014 new year resolution moment. i want to be uber serious about pursuing the higher passion. no more little distractions and games that don’t cut it. and no more passivity and staying resigned with unfulfilled promises

ah! sorry that sounds super cheesy. i don’t meant to sound like all is neatly wrapped up now with a bow on top because it’s not that simple. i know. i feel it

maybe you’ll help me figure out what it is that i’m actually trying to say. how do you purse something you can’t control? or ever have any hope of controlling?

time for me to go now i think. tea is drunk. gotta use the toilet. will have to find a lunch spot and a pedicure place for my cousin. people watching is great though. i’m totally judging everyone walking by with the grossest stereotypes: white hipsters, chola girls and skater boys. nine to five types getting caffeinated, soccer moms, black security dudes. hah. and i just realized i’d been actually on the corner of 9th and hope. wish i had a polaroid to go with this letter. you’ll just have to imagine it

hatty

I was awakened …

January 4, 2014 § Leave a comment

I was awakened from a dream,
a dream entwined with cats,
by a cat’s close presence.
In the darkness by my bedside there
had loomed a form with shining hair—
squarish, immense-eyed, still.
Its whiskers pricked my lips:
I screamed.
My daughter cried,
in just proportion terrified.
I realized that,
though only four, all skin and smiles,
my daughter is a lioness, taken as a cat.

daughter by john updike

from the writers almanac on http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/index.php?date=2013/12/17