June 13, 2015 § Leave a comment
not necessarily confessing sin, but confessing nonetheless
thanks for asking whether i’m OK wednesday night, that was very loving. just to reassure you, it has nothing to do with our interactions or anything actually taken place. sometimes a lot of things only happen in my head but they’re the realest things
so as i was walking behind you, about to turn and go up ashby, i realized i would rather spend time with the one that i love, and it has to be alone because i can’t imagine being intimate with a hundred other people, at least in that moment. though that’s something we do every wk on sundays
when i walked back home, i still didn’t really know if i would just go back to sleep (i was napping right before i ran out the door) or if i would actually get to the prayer closet. but i did. still when i sat down and fidgeted with youtube to find songs for worshipful mood, i had no clue what i was to pray or feel or why. i feel like all the prayers i was trying out were mumblings, noises, not unlike the ones baby kylie or elijah makes. unintelligible, primal, groanings. and then i saw an image of a huge blue lake. i was surrounded by water and air on every side. no trees no mountains no nothing. just the water and the sky. i’ve never been to a place like that in real life, but i know they exist. and i know i will go there. what overwhelmed me was a deep longing–to be in awe, completely struck by and a little afraid of the sheer magnitude and beauty and grandeur of something like that lake. a wonder. i long to be overwhelmed. and i let out this loud wailing ‘i want my heart to feel alive!’ each time i repeated, the more true i knew that this was what i wanted. which puzzled me, because it’s not like everything i’m doing and believing for and having real joy (i think it’s real!) pursuing does not satisfy right now. i’m so content, at least i think i am. i know to persevere. i know to be faithful with and thankful for little things. i know how to shift. i know the right order and priorities of the Kingdom. it’s not like my life as is hasn’t satisfied, it’s not like i don’t know how to receive. then how or why am i still so hungry?
but i am. i am a howling beast. i am a brute animal crying in the wind. i am so hungry.
what can i do with my obsession? with the things i cannot see? is there a madness in my being? is it the wind that blows the trees? sometimes you’re further than the moon. sometimes you’re closer than my skin. and you surround me like a winter fog. you’ve come and burned me with a kiss. and my heart burns for you.
if you’re strong you won’t be led. what you think is your weakness is your greatest strength. i always feel weak when confessing hunger, desire, longing. but they grow larger still with or without my conscious feeding or gazing. i cannot ignore it. this is the inside out living. this is what drives me. this is what keeps me alive. i must be filled. how can i be satisfied? when can i meet with the Lord? what must be done for my heart to feel alive?
He spoke a bunch of things. none of them are full revelations yet. and i’m OK and have peace that He knows. but i need to keep going back; this is one of the times i gotta press in for a fuller understanding. i realize as i’m writing/processing that this deep calling unto the deep is a running theme, not only of my life–specifically my Holy Spirit encounter story–but of the handful @ the ark. what drew most of us to this place initially and what keeps us running just ahead of the curve, just at the edge of what we see/don’t see yet