January 6, 2012 § Leave a comment

not gonna edit this — it aint that kind of a post

only been a little less than a wk of work since coming back from so cal vaca. la was only a wk long too. feels like i skipped christmas and new yr altogether bc there wasnt anything festive about the last two wks. not because im going through the usual end of yr depression (i just learned that there exists such a thing. look it up on wiki), maybe because of a shitty situation involving crashing a friends car and having to pay for it all out of pocket and no insurance and somewhat estranged friendship. yeah not fun

im not here to complain though. it took a while for me to own that im a whiner, and i just made a commitment to myself, a new years resolution if you will, to stop being a child and grow up already. it took a while to realize that i actually decided to stay a kid because i was afraid. maybe unconsciously, but that doesnt excuse anybody. and fear is no good. its never good

i had a long caffeine induced talk w Jesus about the nature of this fear, how and why i came to believe that growing up had everything to do with losing the seldom shared seldom cherished seldom enjoyed parts of hatty all the way from the mother continent. somehow that translated in my mind that i couldnt commit to anything, or anyone, because i didnt have to strength to see things through. why should i give up myself when those objects of devotion and sacrifice only led to more loss and slow suffocation of the free spirited wild child silly girl crazy hatty? and who should protect her and fight for her if not myself? im my own master, im my own god. see? fear makes you ugly

so i did it. i took back my words. i said, look God i made a mistake, i dont want to be a child no more. make me a grown up. the last time i did that i received the Holy Spirit. i wonder what awaits me this time

 

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