if i dont blog now i may never do it

its been awhile. this uncensored typing without the constant editing and revising the words the thoughts before they even get to the public eye, if posted at all

which is funny because ive been writing everyday for the last how many months now?

im at a cafe (again) reading my old doodles (again) on caffeine high (again). and i wonder what i have to say now is any different from what i wouldve said last yr around this time. but new things do happen once in awhile. like owning my identity as a writer. yeah, im a writer. that also means im an artist. what the fuck would NOT have been able to say that two months ago. isnt that funny? a realization like that taking yrs. i already know to whom my first publication is going to be dedicated: hubert and jen. they were driving down to so cal w me for spring break ’10

I made an observation that my caffeine high induced illusion of creativity lets itself out only in the backseat of someones ride up or down the cali coast. The last time I took train home I wrote an awkward ode to the ocean.

i remember talking to yining about the overratedness of full time jobs. we both got part time waitressing gigs not soon after that, so the every other day running around the lake and conversing kind of stopped. around october it was, last yr, when i told her how excited i was to start a writing group for newbies, not understanding at all what this baby endeavor would bring up in and around me. she responded with ‘we should start an artist commune.’ waiter/waitress by day, artist by night. why not right? why the fuck not?

To take myself seriously. If I’m complaining about not enough opportunities to “share” what I’m consuming, if I feel like I need more spaces to let my personal and informal on-my-own-time doodling be heard understood seen, if I am bored out of my mind because I need to FEEL alive in DOING, then is my next logical step looking for magazines to publish my stuff?
Yes
Yes Hatty that is exactly what you need to do
This isn’t just emo high school kid blogging on xanga no more. Time to go big, kid. My own publication, why not? My own blog, why not? My own column, my own business card as freelance writer journalist travel essayist editor, my own organization of community development engagement political awareness education empowerment resource advocate? Why not why not why not???
Go big girl. Dream your heart out. Lets do this

since the last two awesome full time positions in community organizing non profit career focused world have slipped through my fingers, im starting to wonder maybe im not cut out for a 9-5 for reals. like ever. it is too soon to tell yes. but after about an hr of wanting to cry for self pity — in the middle of handing out samples for the lunch crowd. obviously i did not give in to this urge outside my restaurant in front of strangers — post rejection email from the org i wanted to work with, i became myself again. right after that, an offer to help build a non profit from scratch. lets skip five yrs of working for someone elses cause and jump to the executive director position asdf

in the meantime, g chat conversations like this are always welcome

charles- mmm like the u.s. is so
young
me- ppl dont talk about that much right
haha
charles- but the direction it’s heading is so…
science/reason/logic which isn’t bad
there’s a lack of balance i feel
me- but not complete
right
charles- yeah
you need both
me- you do
im glad that you are exploring spiritually more
charles- it’s so taboo a subject in the US
me- yining told me a little bit
charles- definitely!
i’m exploring it
but not like
obsessively chasing it
me- thats awesome
charles- which i did for a month
and it was really unhealthy
yeah… like
i needed to know the truth. and was being really like crazy about it almost
hmm well
basically i would say that
i’m not spiritually strong enough
me- but the desire to know isnt necessarily a bad thing
charles- to just freely wander in a spiritual realm
not bad at all
like…
me- its like playing w fire
charles- i found good things
but similarly
me- you dont want to go everywhere aimlessly
charles- a lot of bad things came
yeah
i’m really lucky my mom came up when she did
me- i totally know what you mean
hmmm
charles- i thought i was saving her but she saved me
it was really interesting
and even now, it’s more that i just want to not even think too much about it or ask too many questions of why but rather, focus on strengthening myself
in all facets
and then when the timing’s right
i’ll go to war
haha
me- ;D
you do want to protect yourself
its true
some ppl are more spiritually sensitive than others
charles- yeah! until i talked to jamie/yining
i never realized so many things about my life growing up
me- and get/feel stuff more
charles-  like … when i went to bethel
and when i asked my mom about her spiritualism
it was like
uhhh
me- does your mom practice anything
charles- a lot of the things that they talked about
wasn’t weird
for example
the healing director minister
was trying to teach me what i should feel/do
while helping jamie’s ankle
and i was like hm.
i already know what you’re saying because that’s how i see/feel things
my whole life
that magnetic something somethign
it’s pretty interesting
me- did they know you werent christian
haha
thats awesome
charles- hahahaha i don’t think so
but i was like ohhhhh
me- that you realize that about yourself
dude
charles- yeah! it’s interesting
oh my mom…
i guess she’s buddhist but in a really different way
she kinda picks and sees what she likes in different religions
she likes christianity
and buddhism / etc.
but also sees the cons in some
me- you know
im sure yining did tell you
but while we are on the subject of discerning spiritual stuff
its true there are things that arent good/safe
while you explore and open yourself up to these realities
and only w Jesus you find safety
bc He knows you
as opposed to other spirits
that dont have the love or power for you
charles- i think for me it’s a lot of for now, not exploring religions/spirituality but focusing on myself. and then when time’s right, exploring more
i guess it’s hard because for me
unless i know everything about every religion and meet the people and families affected by every religion
i’m not so sure i can make a choice or choose
me- thats ok
charles-  but yup!
it was an interesting month in a lot of ways hahaha
i think there’s power in saying things aloud, especially if they were coming from a bad place
but not that it’s not saying it out of fear
just, saying it in person seems like the more fitting way
or something?
not too sure hahaha
me- wait
explain more
i get the speaking things out loud part
but context maybe?
charles- ahaha in short
from the christian perspective or dunno the right term to use
i basically
was tricked and tempted by the devil who disguised himself as god
God
god
> <
when i think back to this past month
i can’t really remember much
me- what kind of stuff were you hearing/feeling
wow
charles-  it’s very much like a dream
me- bc as christians
we do have basic check list
charles- ooo
tell me!
me- of discerning the voice of God
yeah for sure!
charles- my thing now is i want to learn everything
but not chase it too much
yining said
me- like you do hear all these things
charles- if it’s something that will cause more burden
kill/destroy/steal
me- and the bible actually says
test every spirit
yeah
basically
does the spirit/voice leave you feeling guilty or ashamed
isolated and wanting to run away from community?
bc thats NEVER the voice of God
even if you do something wrong
He never condemns or makes you feel heavy
and another thing is
does the spirit/voice affirm the character of God
who He says He is?
slow to anger, rich in loving kindness, compassionate on everything Hes made?
similar to the first one
charles- ohh
me- but also Hes not about chaos or confusion
God is light
so He wants His children to be in the light
not hiding or being afraid in the dark or in denial of whats happening
even if there are questions or confusions in trying to understand what Gods saying
you can ask for clarity and sound mind
not turmoil or doubt
charles- ohh ic ic
yeah! that sounds about similar to what i’ve come to know
me- idk if this is too much being dumped on you
charles- very interesting
me- cool
charles- no no no
me- haha
charles- i talked to jamie and all her friends for two days
me- yeah
awesome

awesome indeed. off the naos, finally. now justice house of prayer isnt so far away