so i thought i had this figured out

October 4, 2010 § Leave a comment

so i thought

the last twelve hrs have been quite an emotional ride. the last twelve days before that i thought i knew what i wanted to say. i had it all laid out you see. dates journal entries bible verses dreams and visions and quotes all organized in chronological order of the big picture God is painting and i was so sure i knew what that looked like so i couldnt wait to finally dress them in words in a way that would be presentable to the world as this gorgeous thing we can all wrap our minds around. something anyone, not even a believer per se, can look at and exclaim, ‘wow! hatty really knows what shes talking about! her God is real! look how amazingly these incoherent stuff all come together into this eternally significant and understandable pattern! awesome!’

today morning a job i thought for sure was mine fell through. they chose someone else over me not because of any other legit reason like better skill set but because of failure in communication. thanks gmail and verizon. ive been telling everyone about this for the last two wks like a testimony branded on my forehead, a badge of conviction that God provides that He is good that He gives the best all the time, AND that the way He proves it is easy and visible for us like a salary and health insurance. He knows we need these things yes?
and im not going to lie i felt pretty good about myself. i did. look at my life. i was faithful to trust Him against the odds. He provides! i now have both money to pay rent and feed myself as well as a respectable organizational and career oriented job that i can post on linked in. i can share with the young ones that they dont have to worry about unemployment after college as long as they trust God because He came through for me. He’ll come through for you too. o the words are so easy they roll off my tongue without a second thought. and there shouldnt be one right?
Jesus i dont understand today morning. you are quite a drama king. and im your queen so that makes me a drama queen
the conversation that Hes pointing to right now came about couple days ago:

11:52 AM me: how are you love
 l: hmm
  i got rejected from a firm today
  im a mess
  i have only 2 left
  and this is really bad
11:53 AM me: oman
  im sorry
 l: i got 7 second round interviews
  and i got rejected by 5 of them
  so idk
  its bad
 me: how the hell are you supposed to sell yourself in 7 seconds???
 l: i mean
  7 second round interview
  meaning 1st round, 2nd round
 me: o
11:54 AM booooo
  ðŸ˜¦ 😦 😦
  im so sorry
  thats really hard
11:57 AM l: yep
  i might be unemployed
11:58 AM with 250k debt
  but otherwise im ok
  i cant forget that God didnt promise us anything
  on earth
11:59 AM methats so amazing
  you are right
  God will provide!!!
12:00 PM l: yeah i mean i am upset that im in this situation
  but i realized
  like okay
12:01 PM so many people die without meaning on this earth
  and so many peopel starve
  and idk
  God didnt promise that
12:02 PM me: He didnt
12:03 PM actually the opposite
  and youve come so far
  to just be unemployed in debt defeated whatever
  He wont let you down
12:07 PM l: thanks hatty
  but there are people who graduate unemployed
  my friend for example
  who is a PJ
  and worked really hard
12:09 PM me: im sure
12:10 PM but that doesnt mean it has to be you
 l: well idk
  i just realized
  what makes me special
  from her
  she’s christian
  prayed/cried her eyes out
12:11 PM me: i dont want to sound harsh/insensitive/stupid
12:12 PM but maybe we arent praying for the right thing
  if we are crying our eyes out for a job
  when the fear in our hearts is that no job = no money = no security = life in ruin
12:13 PM which is real in a sense that $ is what we see and what makes this world go round
  but the hope is that seriously even we are bankrupt
 l: yeah
  i agree with you
 me: Gods provision is real
 l: but you cant even file bankruptcy
 me: and that we live in another reality
 l: for student loans
 me: not serving money
 l: lol
 me: right
  you get what im saying
 l: you have to pay starting february
  i agree that God provides
  but sometimes God doesnt
12:14 PM its like he has his own idea of provision
  that might not align with our idea of provision
 me: because thats not what we really need
 l: im not complaining about that per se, because i realize that Jesus is enough
  but it still sucks
 me: i feel like i can see you thinking hatty you are so naive right now
  it does suck
  it does
 l: no
12:15 PM me: it really does
 l: im not saying that
  i think i come eerily at a kind of piece
  that is a bit different from what i thought of before
  maybe we have it all wrong
  in terms of provision
  like isnt it enough that God provided Jesus
  and after that, that could be it.
 me: hmmm
  go on
 l: so in the end
12:16 PM even if we starve and die
  the fact that Jesus died for us is enoug
 me: wow
  i cant believe you just said that
 l: well how do we rationalize all the pain in the world
12:17 PM me: i do agree w you
  i also believe that we are meant to win
  like yeah theres pain and evil and shitty things in the world
 l: but isnt that the twisted idea of prosperity gospel
 me: which wasnt Gods intention
12:18 PM and somehow we brought it on ourselves
 l: i mean, what makes it so that God should secure us a job and win
 me: i hate the prosperity one
 l: right
  but im saying
  even the concept of winning
  isnt that like somewhat similar to the gosepl
 me: hmmm
12:19 PM i feel like the def of victory is different though
  its not about the job really
 l: yeah
  like content in whatever circumstances
  and being truly happy
 me: right
 l: so,
  even if i starve
  i should be turly happy
 me: not should be
12:20 PM in a sense that if you arent happy dying you are not real christian
  that would be horrible
 l: yah
  im just saying
  i realized that…
  even if i got “this far”
 me: you amaze me
 l: it might not mean anything
  i could get killed tomorrow
  and thats it
  my life as a blip
12:21 PM im not saying this just to be depressing
  but idk this is how ive come eerily to peace
 me: its not depressing
  peace is good
  you are amazing
 l: im not
12:22 PM me: well you are
 l: thats why
  next time
  anyone who tells me that God has a plan for you
  i migth flip out
  if they are talking about plan in terms of career
12:23 PM me: i see
  He does have a plan
  but career isnt really it
  you know thats funny
  i was JUST thinking about the same thing today
  starting like two sat ago
 l: yeah
12:25 PM me: well
  just this nagging thought
  that whenever i used to hear that God has a plan for my life
  that theres a calling
  that i have a destiny
  which all sound so glorious and awesome and worth everything
12:26 PM l: right
 me: and thats true
  but somehow
 l: it seems bullshit
 me: i used to only see it in terms of career
  like jobs
 l: right
 me: power
 l: right
 me: and then it occurred to me
  maybe that has nothing to do w the REAL thing
12:27 PM like my pastor said
  if your biggest ambition is to become the president of the us
  or to be the next billionaire
  or a rock star
  its not big enough
  and im like
12:28 PM l: uh huh
 me: what can possibly bigger than these things
  i mean
  some of us are afraid even to dream that big
  we are always like
  lets get real
  none of these will ACTUALLY happen
 l: okay
12:29 PM me: so i thought to even admit to ourselves we want to be all these things was like faith x 1000000 kinda thing
  i guess it IS a step
  to REALLY know what we want
  but then
  i realized
  wait why is my lifes worth tied and only exclusively tied to what my career is
12:30 PM like when i imagine
 l: yah
 me: being a big time organizer politician whatever
  speaking to kings and presidents
  blah blah
  im already scared shitless even to say i want that
12:31 PM l: okay
 me: bc theres nothing in me that can possibly get there
  like my natural talent or whatnot
  sorry thats a little tangent
12:32 PM l: no its okay
 me: so i thought it was faith to just believe that God will take me where i need to be
  and that was “peace”
 l: no
 me: and then today
 l: its not
 me: i started thinking
  if these “big” dreams arent big enough for God
12:33 PM if what Hes saying is that His dreams for me are actually bigger and better
  and if i say i trust that
12:34 PM why am i still thinking/equating/making my own images and understandings of “success” “destiny” “plan blah blah
 l: yeah
  i am coming to a bitter truth
  but i realize it is true
  i dont like how it tastes
  bc it isnt palatable
 me: to these worldly things
 l: or desirable
 me: you are right
  it isnt desirable
 l: but i realize that God didnt come to make us happy
  and live in a nice house
  and be comfy
 me: nope
 l: so work hard on this earth
  and died
12:35 PM me: i want to know though
  then what makes us choose this
  if its not desirable
 l: life after death
  bc this life is a blip
 me: hmmm
12:36 PM true
 l: hmm g2g
  i have bible sutdy
  which i dont want to go to
12:37 PM but im a leader
 me: 😦
  love you
 l: k bye
  this is hard to swallow
  but i think its the truth

heres my friend (hope you dont mind i used our entire gchat conversation, but trust me no one whos reading this will know its you) telling me what i need to hear right before God drops a bomb on me. and haha silly me is trying to comfort her by saying ‘awww its going to work out, you will find a job, everythings going to be ok.’ wow hatty you have no idea whats coming do you
so. career. down the toilet right now. what does berkeley degree get you? a part time waitress job. and believe me im so grateful for this. i love my restaurant. but i didnt need a 4+ yrs of college to do this. i couldve just dropped out completely after my semester off, and who knows things may turned out differently. but then they may have stayed exactly the same. im not complaining. i just find this so… funny? ironic? whats the word you english majors? that im going to have to learn that career has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with calling, not just by hearing it from others and repeating it somehow peppered with my own words and anecdotes, but actually by living it out. yes. what a new concept God. you told me to dream big. and i kind of got to that place where i could say with less and less fear to a human being that i would like to be in politics. to me that was big. and you found it pleasing hopefully. now you are saying thats not big enough for me. damn you have some high expectation dont you. you are telling me that working at a non profit and then learning public policy and going to grad school for masters and getting involved in city hall and networking schmoozing with ‘important’ ‘powerful’ ppl and somehow climbing my way up into assembly representatives the capitol congress department of education blah blah flying back and forth from dc conference calls policy memos bills and think tanks and regent mtgs and public speaking and fancy resumes and press releases all that arent big enough for me. you are telling me to throw em up in the air. you keep telling me about this plan. what the hell is that?! whats the plan? tell me! you know! youve been waiting for me to ask you
life of a janitor. a waitress. a barista. a shopkeeper. a bum. will i care? does it REALLY matter? after the hot words from college passion prayer ‘take the world and give me you!’ are slowly cooling down. after bay area norm of ‘o im figuring out what i want to do with my life’ yrs stretch into ‘uhhh get your shit together you are an adult now’ with no respectable position to list on my resume. after crying my eyes out for things that dont satisfy and some grace period for me to get that truth through my thick skull. the tantrums the dramas. all that said and done. when im finally out of words to say, visions to share, feelings to lean on. when its just you and me. im sitting in the same spot, by my bed, some cafe table, on the 3rd floor. and you are STILL saying that you have a plan for me. from glory to glory. nations as my inheritance. all things are possible for those who believe. how much more will the Father give. and i see nothing
will i have what it takes to believe you then? do i have that now? do i trust you Daddy? that when youve stripped away everything, youth and passion and street cred and even certain friends, i still know you are good? my life has a purpose?

i did cry my eyes out last night. for the first time in hmmm never mind i do this quite often. i felt like i was throwing a tantrum. i was seriously a pre teen or something. i kept saying i dont understand. im just going to cry now. and i did. i just sat on my bed and cried because i didnt get it. why am i saying no to a friend? why cant we be friends? i dont get it!!! is this punishment? am i living out consequences of my sins? still? am i going to have to do this for the rest of my life? live out of the wounds ive caused? but honestly God some things WERENT my fault. it sure wasnt my fault that my dad had the kind of dad he had who emotionally abused him in turn emotionally abusing me oedipus complex psychoanalysis inner healing bullshit. it sure wasnt my fault that korean culture dont have sex ed. it sure wasnt my fault that i became weary of ppl letting me down in small and big ways. what was i supposed to do? what?
im so sick and tired of going back to the past and wrecking my brain to figure out whats caused what and where things went wrong and digging for the roots. the roots o i dont care about the roots anymore. i really dont. you said to just cut the damn thing off. weve been playing this game, or ive been and youve been just watching me. maybe you were giving me instruction. sorry didnt hear any. trying to untangle the mess. pool of heartstrings. some of em mine some from my mom some from generations back they werent mine to carry. i kept pulling and tugging at it till my fingers bled. and theres no end to the damn strings. no beginning no end. and how the hell do you expect a kid to untangle the mess and organize it into clean pool of different colored strings, one mine another my moms another my dads? you said i need to be cut free. i believed you. i want to be free
here i am still somehow holding one end. or like a kite completely cut off. or maybe a bird feeling like i lost a wing a muscle a memory. and i swear to you i have no intention of going back. to either the pre heartbreak or the immediate shithole right after. im done being afraid. and im done being a slut. im a queen i get it. my head is held high. but God ive found my inner child. im not ready for love or the crown or the honeymoon bed yet. can i grow up first? can you be patient and watch me grow into a woman first? before the wedding before the marriage vow before the ever after, can i have my childhood? the friendship before the fall slow building of trust and pure joy and girl like games everything?

i have no idea how i got here. what the fuck am i saying. and too many images just made my head spin a little
im at woodys cafe in oakland finishing my morning caffeine waiting for my ex roommie to come pick me up so we can go to berkeley bowl and i have to go in for dinner shift around 4:30pm. i think imma ask hisel what she thinks of all this before i email him. theres a good chance she will repeat what sukys already told me, and theres a better chance that i wont care what they say and just hang out with him (you know who you are. but dont worry no one whos reading this will know you either. and im kinda sorry im saying this over xanga instead of your face what a coward) anyway. all this spiritual eyes talk is tiring to be honest. its just lunch fuck give me a break
i thought i had this figured out. turns out im kinda back at square one. God for sure did amazing things during the last 40 days fast. i dont regret a thing
as for dates journal entries bible verses dreams and visions and quotes all organized in chronological order of the big picture God is painting? non existent at this point

in Him, peace

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