April 24, 2010 § Leave a comment

I would like to think
That despite all the silence and dreary cold of today
Im going to alright, that its not about the feelings
Which come and go and certainly follow both the weather
And my period,
To think that once I peel off each layer of lies — im not
Making a difference another year wont change a thing
Im still going to end up just as disappointed
Just as
Sick and tired of
Waiting
Because im always waiting, always — nothing
Can harm me

I would like to believe
That with each familiarity of days gone in silence
And dreary cold
Without the usual comings and goings of people
Im only reminding myself
Of past forgotten and overcome,
Believe that beyond this vagueness of words and images I cant quite
Drop off my tongue still exists
Something
Astonishing yet what ive always known — the face
Of God — is mine
To behold to become
To be

I would like to know
That even after all ive said and done
Sometimes most painfully passively and some
Other times in full of euphoric abandonment
I have a chance I havent blown in I have the destiny in my hands —
Forgiven and forgotten is the past, and theres no
Requirement for regret —
With which to touch
If not to hold the sides of the face
Of my God. Our gazes lock. And know
Warmth sounds
life

headache

April 21, 2010 § Leave a comment

i finished my nine pages long letter to a krn am christian senator for the asuc about divesting uc money from two companies that sold weapons used to kill palestinian civilians during the gaza occupation by state of israel. it took me a week. we traded ten or more sentences in person. printed and signed, i handed her the letter, prayed for her. next wed is the third and hopefully the last senate hearing.

for the first time, i blasted misty edwards @ work today. my flesh shrinks when i hear the word Jesus or Lord, but she finishes each youtube clip daring me to play more. my muslim friends just left to pray. i want the presence of God @ mcc.
at the end of the day, it feels like shit. everyone i miss is somewhere far far away. i get insecure about everything again. and all i want is for you to just come and take me home
need water

April 4, 2010 § Leave a comment

door two finally closed
in my attempt to let God clean whatever was inside and seal it for good, i ended up being swept away in that room as soon as my hands touched the knob. and before i even realized what i had done, God began to firmly push me out of there so he can block off the room for good.
because i miss you
what do you want from me
you dont owe me anything
i cried for him for about four days in the span of nine months
he couldnt sleep because of me for about the same number of nights
so i guess we are even
like coraline watching her nightmare on the other side of the magic door pounding what will not be opened, i, too, am watching the outlines of once a doorpost solidify into a wall. there will be no more opening after this seals. he cant get to me. even if i wanted him to
i think this means im free

happy easter

April 3, 2010 § Leave a comment

i know work shouldnt equal life. for different reasons. you dont want to identify yourself with what you do. spiritually its not healthy, who you are isnt what you do. physically and emotionally its not healthy. you need to separate business and personal times. take some days off and go ride bikes. dont bring more work home. it makes sense. professionally, you shouldnt take things personal. if you get “constructive criticism,” its not against you. keep your professional and personal things separate. boundaries. you dont cross those lines. its for your own good.
but what if what you do as a day job, to make money and pay the bills, is what you believe in? what if what you do day to day, no matter how mundane it seems and insignificant in the grander scheme of “God’s will,” has a direct line to your heart where dreams and destiny and desires call out to you? what if what you do in your office has everything to do with who God made you to be and the people you care about and the way you just know Hes using to intercede for His heart? how do you separate work and life then?
im not good at it. im not an adult. i cant be professional in one setting and personal in another. i dont know how to “turn it off,” this intercessor heart, carrying the cries and the burdens and the spiritual baggages of my friends and coworkers and communities that make up my work.
sigh
when i first started hearing that there are such thing as spiritual sensitivity, that you can “pick up” on whats going on in the spirit and pray em out, that i can release the cries of Gods heart back to Him, it changed my life. and it helped me get through my ethnic studies classes because otherwise i wouldve been sent to see a shrink. there were times when i couldnt stop crying during classes not knowing what the hell is happening to me. there were times i felt the crushing burden of “the lost” who didnt have a voice to talk to God. there were times i couldnt breathe because the voices questioning the goodness of God, hundreds and thousands and millions of dead native americans in the hands of “missionaries,” generations of women beaten and raped and spat on and murdered by bible holding men of every culture, brown and black people youth us dancing shouting stomping with fists in the air wondering in our self determination richard aoki malcolm x gloria anzaldua angela davis if theres such thing as a god for ppl of color and not white mans eyes and beard
even now
i cant write. i want to be done. i dont know if i can finish this post
but i gotta. i got to. i need to say it out loud so that i remain sane
Jesus i need to know
that you care just as much as i do and more
not only care but you actually exist here. in my office in my center on my campus with the communities next to me
that you came for ppl like us. that if you were on earth again that you would seek out us. that you call us home

work is life. job is Jesus. ideology is task is interns is soul is mtg is debate is ethnic studies is student gov election is conference call is intercession is house rent is me

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