January 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
what i want to know is this: im not going crazy. im not having blasphemous visions. im not being a drama queen. im not acting bratty ungrateful teenager. im not making myself miserable for no reason other than pathetic self centeredness. because when suky prayed that strange prayer for me. i began to think that perhaps God could be it. that maybe, despite all the evidences that point otherwise, no matter how many dead babies ive seen along the way, even if everyone says im delusional and need to bring my head down from clouds, if He could be the one, if God truly is going to answer the long lost hope that cant even be named, if He wants to take me there. i will not stop. i will say yes with every fierceness thats in me. i will finally be free all myself and nothing more nothing less. i will pay no attention to whatevers irrelevant to this thing i have with Him. and we would see the world together. we would be perfect. see this sounds just silly. no substance. nothing that can be seen or touched or explained or understood. nothing that has any resemblance to anything ive experienced on earth. too bad my reality doesnt align well w other validations.
the problem was that i overestimated my power to take Him on His challenge gift invitation and i underestimated the complexity duress intensity of His whole self. that prayer perhaps was for a lot longer period of time in my life than here and now. i mistook it for a season. as if i can really handle something like that in my state now. seeing zeus w naked eyes killed his mortal lover. its a love that will kill me too. but i want to be able to stand face to face with Him someday. the burn and the glory and the sheer gravity of it all. i want it all.
i see this making sense a little bit. then i am not going crazy after all. just a simple immaturity really. not a rebellion i sometimes think it is.
God. i keep getting frustrated when i cant have you the way i want. you are telling me the way i do things suck. i kind of know that, except when push comes to shove i repeat it. you seem to not care about the falls though. its a matter of how quickly i come back to your side where ive always been. not even a dust God. you wait for me. and sometimes its just that comfort of knowing your patience. that no matter how far ive gone i think damn it this is it ive really done it this time, when i peek my face you dont even raise an eyebrow. we cool. like i just went to bathroom and came back. remind me to wash my hands though.
what weve been talking about for the past two three months. physical vs spiritual, natural vs supernatural, seen vs unseen. and being human. stuck in between. one or the other or both. embracing my body and soul their beauties and weaknesses. i cant be anything else but what youve made me. you said you made me well. then the relentless hunger that flares up in the middle of night driving me mad making me do things i cant believe. the compulsive nature to jump down every rabbit hole i see before the thought of how deep they go or even how i will get back out ever occurs to me. the teenage mutant heart thats easily angered easily pleased easily loves and easily hurts (i have so much compassion on it though. yes it drives me crazy, but its like a younger sister i never had). the weak ass will super stubborn super faithless super unstable only concerned about me me me. you love too dont you. you love these things. you want to and have an actual plan to redeem em. i can be tamed. which is probably the most untamed i will ever be. so God. i finally come to the tender spot.
my heart. im not even sure which part of falling im still in. did i land? am i still in the hold falling deeper? or did i not actually jump? still looking down having imagined this all? in any case, some hope seems restored.
teach me to love. and love well. maturely. as friends and lovers do. i want to be tamed by you. i want you to tame me.