January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

Jesus what do you want
i know what i want. want to hear it?
i want the cupcake sitting in front of me. i want boy d texting me to come over. i want a one night stand. i want my gandalf. i want sam next to me. i want brownies. i want to go to the wonderland. i want to escape my body. find me a white rabbit. i will go down the hole. i want to see the garden. i want to go to the tea party. i want to meet the mad hatter. i want to hear aaro calling me hatters. i want to be a kid again with my little brother. i want to cry. a good cry. i want my life to be like a movie. i want the orchestra playing some epic music in the background. i want fireworks passion. i dont want to be friends. i want lovers revenge. i want him to be in a terrible danger so all my hysterical crying would make sense. i want everything that ive been feeling to be justified. i want to believe that im being ruined because in the end o in the end of it all that im becoming stronger somehow more beautiful closer to you and spiritually filled. that you are doing something in me. i want these. and more. things i cant say. things i dont know how to explain. things i cant put words to because i havent known what they are havent seem em or heard em or touched em. im asking for things i have yet to experience. im asking for more.
because Jesus i dont want mediocre no more. i dont want it
i want the very best i wont settle for anything less. i want satisfaction i want perfection i want fantastical magical glorious beauty mysterious butterflies changing colors light bursting into the air blinding me ecstasy the touch so sensual tears in me yet laughing my head off mushrooms balloons russian empire throwing a dance with jewels ten thousand years old crowns and gold pharaohs chamber precious stones full moon desert night incense intoxicating candlelight whispers warmth and bed i want everything.
my heart. its breaking. or maybe its just me wanting it to break. but pathetic me i cant even go there. the best i can do is seeing myself being ruined. the defense wall tries to go up and close down shut out close up. if i dream too big it will be that much more disappointing. stockings empty no coins under my pillow fairy tales arent real. well they are only fairy tales.
ive been wondering. the girl from that pans labyrinth movie, what she saw the fairies the creatures the mission, were they real? does it matter? it was real to her wasnt it? and she becomes a princess at the end. she was one all along. when i saw that dress in mud i realized. is it worth it? is you, this thing i want whatever it is, the magic, the unknown, the unseen, what ppl laugh at bc it makes no sense whatsoever worth all the humiliation, the dirt, the disappointment, the hurt, the ruining, the physical realm crumbling down? are you worth it Jesus? are what you promising, or i think you are promising me, what i want to believe you are promising me, worth the dirty dress? ppl not understanding me? me feeling dumb? me running away from the reality and doing silly things not doing proper things saying ridiculous things looking like a crazy person possibly bringing trouble and confusion and anger in my surroundings? in the movie ofelia didnt have a choice. she had to believe in magic because she had no other way. i have a choice i think. i can choose to see you or i can choose to see other things more convenient things more logical things more tangible understandable immediate.
im choosing you God. im saying that unless you come meet me halfway unless you take me down deeper unless you give me the fairies the chalk the book i cant do anything for myself. i want what you have. i want you. i want to see the depth of the ocean. where only you and i can go. colors you wouldnt believe. things too wonderful for me. where normal ppl would faint from pressure. in the dark in the mystery in the unknown i will go. with you i will go. with you i will. because i will never be satisfied until ive seen it with my own eyes. i will never be able to rest. i will never find what im looking for until you take me there.
so try me. try me
i dont know what it is what you plan to do with me where im going. but with you imma be alright.
slay me ravish me consume me whole. do what you need to do. i will go hungry i will be mocked i will lose everything i dont care. if i have you i have everything. i said it before and i say it again. it hasnt changed nor have i. the same one you found angry and feisty and intense, the same one you fell in love with before i saw you. its me Jesus here i am. we promise each other. we have and we do so again. that we will not relent until we have all of each other. i will not rest until i have all of you. and you wont rest until you have all of me. we cant
-from day sixty three of being a homeless

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