January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

im going crazy

you think im normal no you dont you see right through me. i can fool myself i can fool anybody. but not you not you
its been what two weeks? three weeks? since i last saw you. and i called for a truce on the way back home. on that bus ride. bc i still wanted to talk to you. without having to surrender admit that i lost giving in. i didnt want to do that. but i still wanted to talk to you.
i dont know. we both know what i need. and the answer gets old. yeah yeah its you its you i know you know. im not ready to back down just yet.
im going crazy
i wanted to believe that you can give me the world. that maybe just maybe its possible. its actually fucking possible. to dream that big to want that much to think that impossible things can and will happen. i did. i tried. i really did. or maybe not. maybe i didnt give you enough maybe i didnt try hard enough. maybe i couldve done better. but you know what fuck you i couldnt
i grew weary i got tired. i got tired. yeah
when i started thinking, the physical the body the visible when will they become less normal less real less important than what you say you have for me. and as i was working that saturday running lifting moving whatever i thought, im going crazy. i am. this world is going to fade away colorless and temporary already i dont give a shit about anything. i am holding out for something i dont know what yet. for you i havent even seen. and taste the touch all unseen unborn unexperienced. and im telling myself that this is better. that you are better. and in the end its worth it. i hope so. i really do
ok all these fancy talks about faith are all good. but theres something else you want to hear from me i know
why do you think i do what i do? you understand. im not asking for forgiveness maybe. or am i? i want to try you though. why do you think that?
i would be lying and seriously stupid if i say that i actually like the guy. i mean hes a good kid. but he aint no he aint
it was fun though can i at least have that? can i can i? im not stupid. im not keeping anything. all thats in me that come out after, i know they dont last im not holding on. you can take away you can have em all i dont care. as i said. im not keeping anything. im not asking you to.
frankly i question. why you care so much? like im some sort of good that has to be locked away from the bad bad world. its the same rescue by a white man visual and i cant stand it. you know that. i cant stand it. i hate to be protected i hate to be pitied i hate to feel so weak. im not weak
you know me
as i am
im not going to crack you know
this is who i am
this is it
this is it
this is me
you come after me like im some sort of this wonderful person. im not
i lied to you
i cheated on you
dont you get it? do you not get that?

what do you want from me. i know what. but i cant give you that. i cant. i cant. bc im going to fail you again. remember we tried? we tried. i tried. but i couldnt do it. i couldnt.
you want so much from me. and i didnt think i would ever say that to you. i thought it was me all along. i thought i was the demanding one. i thought i was the pushy one. i always wanted more from you. more and more and more. even things i couldnt handle. and i taunted you. can you handle me? can you really give me what i want?

now i realize. you are so much more. you are bigger harder faster and stronger than me. i cant win. i cant win. anything i have to show for you can match me head to head heart to heart. and more. its scary.

what do i do
i dont want to give up myself. i cant. what i am who i am parts pieces bits of me chunks and crumbs and all. silly words silly boys silly affections i cant. this is a very different prayer. its not even a prayer. if before i said i wanted all of you take away anything thats not of you. this time, im more cautious. where im at is this. i dont think i can ask for all of you bc i know i cant handle it. im afraid it will kill me. and i cant give you all of me bc i dont know how to do that. there are parts of me that i cant give up throw away toss like they dont mean anything. you can laugh at how shitty they are that im still holding onto. but you know what thats my shit. i dont know any better. so there i said it
brutally honest. im sorry. its so irreverent. i cant talk to you like this. you deserve better. you deserve so much better from me than me. i want to run away. i dont want to talk to you. ive done that for quite some time. but it seems like i cant really run away. is it too crazy to think that you want me back more than i actually need you? bc both are true. i do know you like me. to a degree i dont understand. and i know i need you. annoyingly i do. to a degree i cant admit to myself bc its annoying. so it seems that both are true. i need you. and you want me back. maybe we dont have to agree on which is more. can we leave it at that too?
this is such a horrible way to say sorry. sounds like im not sorry at all. a friend told me that sorry means you wont do it again. well according to her im a total failure. i always do what i do again. whether im sorry or not. im telling you now that i may be willing to talk to you again. but these are the boundaries for now. i know you have a way to melt away my walls against you. so in time you probably can do what you want. im not even thinking that far ahead
for now. for now. im ok w you talking to me again.
-from google doc

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