January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment

my desire. my lust. my all. if i cant have it my way what will i do what will you do? the answer is obvious i dont even feel like repeating it. give me something? can i ask that?
being tamed sounds boring. being controlled even worse. yet you will have me no other way than whole and alive. not broken to pieces and barely breathing under fear and heavy rules that poked and probed and bruised and killed me. im telling you now that i cant do it. i cant. i thought i could handle you and said bring it. how foolish. me a mere mortal taking on the fullness of God like yourself. i cant even have a glimpse of you it will drive me mad and im already as crazy as is. a taste of you will turn me into either a glutton or an anorexic. theres no middle ground with you. so what will it be this time? where will i go what will i do
God i call on your name. a friend to the weak. humble to those who humble themselves. a lover to whores and a father to orphans. compassionate to all that youve made. have mercy on me. i cant do shit. i have nothing to boast i have nothing to show for i have nothing to bring at your feet. youve brought me here did you not? the future, a new place to live for the next six months and then another new scene, without aaron and leaving the ark myself, different friends and responsibilities and loves. who will i talk to what will i occupy my time with where will i sleep eat work play meet you? they kind of sound exciting probably because i need a change of scene. and you will still be there. all those places all those people and all those emotions. thats the only thing i can ask for now
be with me. just as you were up till now. just as you have been through some dark times. even when i didnt believe you or like you. even when i kept defying your orders to see how far i can push you away from me. just as you have been through good times too. in europe on the 3rd floor in my ethnic studies classes apasd and mcc meetings my liberal arts education readings on sproul during prayer with girl friends with indian rock big c firetrail the marina 4th st rockridge sf baybridge and north berkeley cafes. be with me your faithfulness is all i can count on. and theres no yumchi here. never with you. that i know
i give you myself. as much as i can. parts that are easy to give. in words and in thoughts the only ways i know how. take em those small yeses. because i still believe in the impossible. prove yourself to me. give me something. tell me that you can
-from jan seventh two thousand ten
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