released

what i want to know is this: im not going crazy. im not having blasphemous visions. im not being a drama queen. im not acting bratty ungrateful teenager. im not making myself miserable for no reason other than pathetic self centeredness. because when suky prayed that strange prayer for me. i began to think that perhaps God could be it. that maybe, despite all the evidences that point otherwise, no matter how many dead babies ive seen along the way, even if everyone says im delusional and need to bring my head down from clouds, if He could be the one, if God truly is going to answer the long lost hope that cant even be named, if He wants to take me there. i will not stop. i will say yes with every fierceness thats in me. i will finally be free all myself and nothing more nothing less. i will pay no attention to whatevers irrelevant to this thing i have with Him. and we would see the world together. we would be perfect. see this sounds just silly. no substance. nothing that can be seen or touched or explained or understood. nothing that has any resemblance to anything ive experienced on earth. too bad my reality doesnt align well w other validations.
the problem was that i overestimated my power to take Him on His challenge gift invitation and i underestimated the complexity duress intensity of His whole self. that prayer perhaps was for a lot longer period of time in my life than here and now. i mistook it for a season. as if i can really handle something like that in my state now. seeing zeus w naked eyes killed his mortal lover. its a love that will kill me too. but i want to be able to stand face to face with Him someday. the burn and the glory and the sheer gravity of it all. i want it all.
i see this making sense a little bit. then i am not going crazy after all. just a simple immaturity really. not a rebellion i sometimes think it is.
God. i keep getting frustrated when i cant have you the way i want. you are telling me the way i do things suck. i kind of know that, except when push comes to shove i repeat it. you seem to not care about the falls though. its a matter of how quickly i come back to your side where ive always been. not even a dust God. you wait for me. and sometimes its just that comfort of knowing your patience. that no matter how far ive gone i think damn it this is it ive really done it this time, when i peek my face you dont even raise an eyebrow. we cool. like i just went to bathroom and came back. remind me to wash my hands though.
what weve been talking about for the past two three months. physical vs spiritual, natural vs supernatural, seen vs unseen. and being human. stuck in between. one or the other or both. embracing my body and soul their beauties and weaknesses. i cant be anything else but what youve made me. you said you made me well. then the relentless hunger that flares up in the middle of night driving me mad making me do things i cant believe. the compulsive nature to jump down every rabbit hole i see before the thought of how deep they go or even how i will get back out ever occurs to me. the teenage mutant heart thats easily angered easily pleased easily loves and easily hurts (i have so much compassion on it though. yes it drives me crazy, but its like a younger sister i never had). the weak ass will super stubborn super faithless super unstable only concerned about me me me. you love too dont you. you love these things. you want to and have an actual plan to redeem em. i can be tamed. which is probably the most untamed i will ever be. so God. i finally come to the tender spot.
my heart. im not even sure which part of falling im still in. did i land? am i still in the hold falling deeper? or did i not actually jump? still looking down having imagined this all? in any case, some hope seems restored.
teach me to love. and love well. maturely. as friends and lovers do. i want to be tamed by you. i want you to tame me.
tame me.

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my desire. my lust. my all. if i cant have it my way what will i do what will you do? the answer is obvious i dont even feel like repeating it. give me something? can i ask that?

being tamed sounds boring. being controlled even worse. yet you will have me no other way than whole and alive. not broken to pieces and barely breathing under fear and heavy rules that poked and probed and bruised and killed me. im telling you now that i cant do it. i cant. i thought i could handle you and said bring it. how foolish. me a mere mortal taking on the fullness of God like yourself. i cant even have a glimpse of you it will drive me mad and im already as crazy as is. a taste of you will turn me into either a glutton or an anorexic. theres no middle ground with you. so what will it be this time? where will i go what will i do

God i call on your name. a friend to the weak. humble to those who humble themselves. a lover to whores and a father to orphans. compassionate to all that youve made. have mercy on me. i cant do shit. i have nothing to boast i have nothing to show for i have nothing to bring at your feet. youve brought me here did you not? the future, a new place to live for the next six months and then another new scene, without aaron and leaving the ark myself, different friends and responsibilities and loves. who will i talk to what will i occupy my time with where will i sleep eat work play meet you? they kind of sound exciting probably because i need a change of scene. and you will still be there. all those places all those people and all those emotions. thats the only thing i can ask for now

be with me. just as you were up till now. just as you have been through some dark times. even when i didnt believe you or like you. even when i kept defying your orders to see how far i can push you away from me. just as you have been through good times too. in europe on the 3rd floor in my ethnic studies classes apasd and mcc meetings my liberal arts education readings on sproul during prayer with girl friends with indian rock big c firetrail the marina 4th st rockridge sf baybridge and north berkeley cafes. be with me your faithfulness is all i can count on. and theres no yumchi here. never with you. that i know

i give you myself. as much as i can. parts that are easy to give. in words and in thoughts the only ways i know how. take em those small yeses. because i still believe in the impossible. prove yourself to me. give me something. tell me that you can
-from jan seventh two thousand ten

im going crazy

you think im normal no you dont you see right through me. i can fool myself i can fool anybody. but not you not you

its been what two weeks? three weeks? since i last saw you. and i called for a truce on the way back home. on that bus ride. bc i still wanted to talk to you. without having to surrender admit that i lost giving in. i didnt want to do that. but i still wanted to talk to you.

i dont know. we both know what i need. and the answer gets old. yeah yeah its you its you i know you know. im not ready to back down just yet.

im going crazy

i wanted to believe that you can give me the world. that maybe just maybe its possible. its actually fucking possible. to dream that big to want that much to think that impossible things can and will happen. i did. i tried. i really did. or maybe not. maybe i didnt give you enough maybe i didnt try hard enough. maybe i couldve done better. but you know what fuck you i couldnt

i grew weary i got tired. i got tired. yeah

when i started thinking, the physical the body the visible when will they become less normal less real less important than what you say you have for me. and as i was working that saturday running lifting moving whatever i thought, im going crazy. i am. this world is going to fade away colorless and temporary already i dont give a shit about anything. i am holding out for something i dont know what yet. for you i havent even seen. and taste the touch all unseen unborn unexperienced. and im telling myself that this is better. that you are better. and in the end its worth it. i hope so. i really do

ok all these fancy talks about faith are all good. but theres something else you want to hear from me i know

why do you think i do what i do? you understand. im not asking for forgiveness maybe. or am i? i want to try you though. why do you think that?

i would be lying and seriously stupid if i say that i actually like the guy. i mean hes a good kid. but he aint no he aint

it was fun though can i at least have that? can i can i? im not stupid. im not keeping anything. all thats in me that come out after, i know they dont last im not holding on. you can take away you can have em all i dont care. as i said. im not keeping anything. im not asking you to.

frankly i question. why you care so much? like im some sort of good that has to be locked away from the bad bad world. its the same rescue by a white man visual and i cant stand it. you know that. i cant stand it. i hate to be protected i hate to be pitied i hate to feel so weak. im not weak

you know me

as i am

im not going to crack you know

this is who i am

this is it

this is it

this is me

you come after me like im some sort of this wonderful person. im not

i lied to you

i cheated on you

dont you get it? do you not get that?

what do you want from me. i know what. but i cant give you that. i cant. i cant. bc im going to fail you again. remember we tried? we tried. i tried. but i couldnt do it. i couldnt.

you want so much from me. and i didnt think i would ever say that to you. i thought it was me all along. i thought i was the demanding one. i thought i was the pushy one. i always wanted more from you. more and more and more. even things i couldnt handle. and i taunted you. can you handle me? can you really give me what i want?

now i realize. you are so much more. you are bigger harder faster and stronger than me. i cant win. i cant win. anything i have to show for you can match me head to head heart to heart. and more. its scary.

what do i do

i dont want to give up myself. i cant. what i am who i am parts pieces bits of me chunks and crumbs and all. silly words silly boys silly affections i cant. this is a very different prayer. its not even a prayer. if before i said i wanted all of you take away anything thats not of you. this time, im more cautious. where im at is this. i dont think i can ask for all of you bc i know i cant handle it. im afraid it will kill me. and i cant give you all of me bc i dont know how to do that. there are parts of me that i cant give up throw away toss like they dont mean anything. you can laugh at how shitty they are that im still holding onto. but you know what thats my shit. i dont know any better. so there i said it

brutally honest. im sorry. its so irreverent. i cant talk to you like this. you deserve better. you deserve so much better from me than me. i want to run away. i dont want to talk to you. ive done that for quite some time. but it seems like i cant really run away. is it too crazy to think that you want me back more than i actually need you? bc both are true. i do know you like me. to a degree i dont understand. and i know i need you. annoyingly i do. to a degree i cant admit to myself bc its annoying. so it seems that both are true. i need you. and you want me back. maybe we dont have to agree on which is more. can we leave it at that too?

this is such a horrible way to say sorry. sounds like im not sorry at all. a friend told me that sorry means you wont do it again. well according to her im a total failure. i always do what i do again. whether im sorry or not. im telling you now that i may be willing to talk to you again. but these are the boundaries for now. i know you have a way to melt away my walls against you. so in time you probably can do what you want. im not even thinking that far ahead

for now. for now. im ok w you talking to me again.
-from google doc

Jesus what do you want
i know what i want. want to hear it?
i want the cupcake sitting in front of me. i want boy d texting me to come over. i want a one night stand. i want my gandalf. i want sam next to me. i want brownies. i want to go to the wonderland. i want to escape my body. find me a white rabbit. i will go down the hole. i want to see the garden. i want to go to the tea party. i want to meet the mad hatter. i want to hear aaro calling me hatters. i want to be a kid again with my little brother. i want to cry. a good cry. i want my life to be like a movie. i want the orchestra playing some epic music in the background. i want fireworks passion. i dont want to be friends. i want lovers revenge. i want him to be in a terrible danger so all my hysterical crying would make sense. i want everything that ive been feeling to be justified. i want to believe that im being ruined because in the end o in the end of it all that im becoming stronger somehow more beautiful closer to you and spiritually filled. that you are doing something in me. i want these. and more. things i cant say. things i dont know how to explain. things i cant put words to because i havent known what they are havent seem em or heard em or touched em. im asking for things i have yet to experience. im asking for more.
because Jesus i dont want mediocre no more. i dont want it
i want the very best i wont settle for anything less. i want satisfaction i want perfection i want fantastical magical glorious beauty mysterious butterflies changing colors light bursting into the air blinding me ecstasy the touch so sensual tears in me yet laughing my head off mushrooms balloons russian empire throwing a dance with jewels ten thousand years old crowns and gold pharaohs chamber precious stones full moon desert night incense intoxicating candlelight whispers warmth and bed i want everything.
my heart. its breaking. or maybe its just me wanting it to break. but pathetic me i cant even go there. the best i can do is seeing myself being ruined. the defense wall tries to go up and close down shut out close up. if i dream too big it will be that much more disappointing. stockings empty no coins under my pillow fairy tales arent real. well they are only fairy tales.
ive been wondering. the girl from that pans labyrinth movie, what she saw the fairies the creatures the mission, were they real? does it matter? it was real to her wasnt it? and she becomes a princess at the end. she was one all along. when i saw that dress in mud i realized. is it worth it? is you, this thing i want whatever it is, the magic, the unknown, the unseen, what ppl laugh at bc it makes no sense whatsoever worth all the humiliation, the dirt, the disappointment, the hurt, the ruining, the physical realm crumbling down? are you worth it Jesus? are what you promising, or i think you are promising me, what i want to believe you are promising me, worth the dirty dress? ppl not understanding me? me feeling dumb? me running away from the reality and doing silly things not doing proper things saying ridiculous things looking like a crazy person possibly bringing trouble and confusion and anger in my surroundings? in the movie ofelia didnt have a choice. she had to believe in magic because she had no other way. i have a choice i think. i can choose to see you or i can choose to see other things more convenient things more logical things more tangible understandable immediate.
im choosing you God. im saying that unless you come meet me halfway unless you take me down deeper unless you give me the fairies the chalk the book i cant do anything for myself. i want what you have. i want you. i want to see the depth of the ocean. where only you and i can go. colors you wouldnt believe. things too wonderful for me. where normal ppl would faint from pressure. in the dark in the mystery in the unknown i will go. with you i will go. with you i will. because i will never be satisfied until ive seen it with my own eyes. i will never be able to rest. i will never find what im looking for until you take me there.
so try me. try me
i dont know what it is what you plan to do with me where im going. but with you imma be alright.
slay me ravish me consume me whole. do what you need to do. i will go hungry i will be mocked i will lose everything i dont care. if i have you i have everything. i said it before and i say it again. it hasnt changed nor have i. the same one you found angry and feisty and intense, the same one you fell in love with before i saw you. its me Jesus here i am. we promise each other. we have and we do so again. that we will not relent until we have all of each other. i will not rest until i have all of you. and you wont rest until you have all of me. we cant
-from day sixty three of being a homeless

i dont know. hatty. i just wanted to tell you how much you love writing. youre a good writer. i feel embarrassed saying this to you. but i believe you are. i want to believe. dont forget the beautiful things in life. like the moon and the magic and the burning desire. i dont know what these will give you. but God, yes, God, has His reasons for instilling them in your heart. not everyone feels what you feel. not everyone wants to feel what you feel. cherish them. for they are beautiful. and when you cant sleep because of these beautiful things that you feel so much, think of me. remember me. the strange sorrow that beads out on your eyelashes like morning dew, even that must have a place in life. so
-from jan nineth two thousand seven

i must add. this is pre Holy Spirit

undress with me. as i knock down one wall between us you do the same. we keep destroying whats keeping us apart until we see face to face. until we behold the Lord with unveiled faces.
-from feb fourteenth two thousand nine

you blur the lines you make spiritual world merge and take over and unite w the physical. i am a human being w skin and mouth and heart and stomach my body is where the Spirit of the living God dwells im not a beast or an angel im a human being made in your image and Jesus you did it you occupied both body yet perfectly God. you ate and cried and slept and walked and laughed and shouted and threw stuff and cursed and washed and fainted and died. and you rose again yes Jesus you defeated death
-from the multicultural community center