released
January 20, 2010 § Leave a comment
what i want to know is this: im not going crazy. im not having blasphemous visions. im not being a drama queen. im not acting bratty ungrateful teenager. im not making myself miserable for no reason other than pathetic self centeredness. because when suky prayed that strange prayer for me. i began to think that perhaps God could be it. that maybe, despite all the evidences that point otherwise, no matter how many dead babies ive seen along the way, even if everyone says im delusional and need to bring my head down from clouds, if He could be the one, if God truly is going to answer the long lost hope that cant even be named, if He wants to take me there. i will not stop. i will say yes with every fierceness thats in me. i will finally be free all myself and nothing more nothing less. i will pay no attention to whatevers irrelevant to this thing i have with Him. and we would see the world together. we would be perfect. see this sounds just silly. no substance. nothing that can be seen or touched or explained or understood. nothing that has any resemblance to anything ive experienced on earth. too bad my reality doesnt align well w other validations.
the problem was that i overestimated my power to take Him on His challenge gift invitation and i underestimated the complexity duress intensity of His whole self. that prayer perhaps was for a lot longer period of time in my life than here and now. i mistook it for a season. as if i can really handle something like that in my state now. seeing zeus w naked eyes killed his mortal lover. its a love that will kill me too. but i want to be able to stand face to face with Him someday. the burn and the glory and the sheer gravity of it all. i want it all.
i see this making sense a little bit. then i am not going crazy after all. just a simple immaturity really. not a rebellion i sometimes think it is.
God. i keep getting frustrated when i cant have you the way i want. you are telling me the way i do things suck. i kind of know that, except when push comes to shove i repeat it. you seem to not care about the falls though. its a matter of how quickly i come back to your side where ive always been. not even a dust God. you wait for me. and sometimes its just that comfort of knowing your patience. that no matter how far ive gone i think damn it this is it ive really done it this time, when i peek my face you dont even raise an eyebrow. we cool. like i just went to bathroom and came back. remind me to wash my hands though.
what weve been talking about for the past two three months. physical vs spiritual, natural vs supernatural, seen vs unseen. and being human. stuck in between. one or the other or both. embracing my body and soul their beauties and weaknesses. i cant be anything else but what youve made me. you said you made me well. then the relentless hunger that flares up in the middle of night driving me mad making me do things i cant believe. the compulsive nature to jump down every rabbit hole i see before the thought of how deep they go or even how i will get back out ever occurs to me. the teenage mutant heart thats easily angered easily pleased easily loves and easily hurts (i have so much compassion on it though. yes it drives me crazy, but its like a younger sister i never had). the weak ass will super stubborn super faithless super unstable only concerned about me me me. you love too dont you. you love these things. you want to and have an actual plan to redeem em. i can be tamed. which is probably the most untamed i will ever be. so God. i finally come to the tender spot.
my heart. im not even sure which part of falling im still in. did i land? am i still in the hold falling deeper? or did i not actually jump? still looking down having imagined this all? in any case, some hope seems restored.
teach me to love. and love well. maturely. as friends and lovers do. i want to be tamed by you. i want you to tame me.
tame me.
January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
-from jan seventh two thousand ten
January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
im going crazy
now i realize. you are so much more. you are bigger harder faster and stronger than me. i cant win. i cant win. anything i have to show for you can match me head to head heart to heart. and more. its scary.
-from google doc
January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
Jesus what do you want
i know what i want. want to hear it?
i want the cupcake sitting in front of me. i want boy d texting me to come over. i want a one night stand. i want my gandalf. i want sam next to me. i want brownies. i want to go to the wonderland. i want to escape my body. find me a white rabbit. i will go down the hole. i want to see the garden. i want to go to the tea party. i want to meet the mad hatter. i want to hear aaro calling me hatters. i want to be a kid again with my little brother. i want to cry. a good cry. i want my life to be like a movie. i want the orchestra playing some epic music in the background. i want fireworks passion. i dont want to be friends. i want lovers revenge. i want him to be in a terrible danger so all my hysterical crying would make sense. i want everything that ive been feeling to be justified. i want to believe that im being ruined because in the end o in the end of it all that im becoming stronger somehow more beautiful closer to you and spiritually filled. that you are doing something in me. i want these. and more. things i cant say. things i dont know how to explain. things i cant put words to because i havent known what they are havent seem em or heard em or touched em. im asking for things i have yet to experience. im asking for more.
because Jesus i dont want mediocre no more. i dont want it
i want the very best i wont settle for anything less. i want satisfaction i want perfection i want fantastical magical glorious beauty mysterious butterflies changing colors light bursting into the air blinding me ecstasy the touch so sensual tears in me yet laughing my head off mushrooms balloons russian empire throwing a dance with jewels ten thousand years old crowns and gold pharaohs chamber precious stones full moon desert night incense intoxicating candlelight whispers warmth and bed i want everything.
my heart. its breaking. or maybe its just me wanting it to break. but pathetic me i cant even go there. the best i can do is seeing myself being ruined. the defense wall tries to go up and close down shut out close up. if i dream too big it will be that much more disappointing. stockings empty no coins under my pillow fairy tales arent real. well they are only fairy tales.
ive been wondering. the girl from that pans labyrinth movie, what she saw the fairies the creatures the mission, were they real? does it matter? it was real to her wasnt it? and she becomes a princess at the end. she was one all along. when i saw that dress in mud i realized. is it worth it? is you, this thing i want whatever it is, the magic, the unknown, the unseen, what ppl laugh at bc it makes no sense whatsoever worth all the humiliation, the dirt, the disappointment, the hurt, the ruining, the physical realm crumbling down? are you worth it Jesus? are what you promising, or i think you are promising me, what i want to believe you are promising me, worth the dirty dress? ppl not understanding me? me feeling dumb? me running away from the reality and doing silly things not doing proper things saying ridiculous things looking like a crazy person possibly bringing trouble and confusion and anger in my surroundings? in the movie ofelia didnt have a choice. she had to believe in magic because she had no other way. i have a choice i think. i can choose to see you or i can choose to see other things more convenient things more logical things more tangible understandable immediate.
im choosing you God. im saying that unless you come meet me halfway unless you take me down deeper unless you give me the fairies the chalk the book i cant do anything for myself. i want what you have. i want you. i want to see the depth of the ocean. where only you and i can go. colors you wouldnt believe. things too wonderful for me. where normal ppl would faint from pressure. in the dark in the mystery in the unknown i will go. with you i will go. with you i will. because i will never be satisfied until ive seen it with my own eyes. i will never be able to rest. i will never find what im looking for until you take me there.
so try me. try me
i dont know what it is what you plan to do with me where im going. but with you imma be alright.
slay me ravish me consume me whole. do what you need to do. i will go hungry i will be mocked i will lose everything i dont care. if i have you i have everything. i said it before and i say it again. it hasnt changed nor have i. the same one you found angry and feisty and intense, the same one you fell in love with before i saw you. its me Jesus here i am. we promise each other. we have and we do so again. that we will not relent until we have all of each other. i will not rest until i have all of you. and you wont rest until you have all of me. we cant
-from day sixty three of being a homeless
January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
i dont know. hatty. i just wanted to tell you how much you love writing. youre a good writer. i feel embarrassed saying this to you. but i believe you are. i want to believe. dont forget the beautiful things in life. like the moon and the magic and the burning desire. i dont know what these will give you. but God, yes, God, has His reasons for instilling them in your heart. not everyone feels what you feel. not everyone wants to feel what you feel. cherish them. for they are beautiful. and when you cant sleep because of these beautiful things that you feel so much, think of me. remember me. the strange sorrow that beads out on your eyelashes like morning dew, even that must have a place in life. so
-from jan nineth two thousand seven
i must add. this is pre Holy Spirit
January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
undress with me. as i knock down one wall between us you do the same. we keep destroying whats keeping us apart until we see face to face. until we behold the Lord with unveiled faces.
-from feb fourteenth two thousand nine
January 19, 2010 § Leave a comment
you blur the lines you make spiritual world merge and take over and unite w the physical. i am a human being w skin and mouth and heart and stomach my body is where the Spirit of the living God dwells im not a beast or an angel im a human being made in your image and Jesus you did it you occupied both body yet perfectly God. you ate and cried and slept and walked and laughed and shouted and threw stuff and cursed and washed and fainted and died. and you rose again yes Jesus you defeated death
-from the multicultural community center