October 27, 2009 § Leave a comment

she will not be forced. she only can reveal her secret

its so much easier to repeat what others say and keep pushing back what you want to say

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October 19, 2009 § Leave a comment

i want to write. but im a student. efff

on this earth, in this life, as i read your story, you re lonely
lonely in the bar, on the shore of the coastal river
with your best friend, his wife, and your wife, fishing
lonely in the prairie classroom with all the students who love
you. you know some ghosts
come everywhere with you yet leave them unaddressed
for years. you spend weeks in a house
with a drunk, you sober, whom you love, feeling lonely.
you grieve in loneliness, and if i understand you fuck in
loneliness.

i wonder if this is a white mans madness.
i honor your truth and refuse to leave it at that.

what have i learned from stories of the hunt, of lonely men in
gangs?
but there were other stories:
one man riding the mohave desert
another man walking the grand canyon.
i thought those solitary men were happy, as ever they had been.

indios long avenues
of medjool date-palm and lemon sweep to the salton sea
in yucca flats the high desert reaches higher, bleached and spare
of talk.
at twentynine palms i found the grave
of maria eleanor whallon, eighteen years, dead at the watering-
hole in 1903, under the now fire-branded palms
her mother travelled on alone to cook in the mining camps.

October 12, 2009 § 1 Comment

this thought is an recurring one:
i know very little about neurotransmitters and chemicals, but what i do know for sure is how caffeine makes my body so very much happy.
maybe other drug trips are the same experience, just more intense. every time you take a hit somehow the world comes into focus, lines become sharper sounds clearer ideas move faster dreams take on the sweeter forms and ppl look a tad bit more beautiful. and the thoughts elevate. or at least for me, sorry you whose minds are stuck on things of the flesh.
you start seeing connections, between what your ethnic studies professors said about nation-state identity and your gay friends latest heartbreak and your own fight with God because He hasnt been making sense. your heart starts singing joy. your mom starts sounding more loving that annoying. only if the chemical effects lasted forever right?
now this is the interesting part. what do we know about the oracles in the old days? the shamans the spirit walkers the prophetesses? yes we say its a common knowledge that they inhale hallucinogens and see horses rainbows corpses fields volcanoes faces of gods that communities interpret as signs for the future. well im no shaman. but there is a prophetic in every child of God. and no im not saying drugs help you get closer to the divine. hah 420 friendly hippies would love to argue that.
im just wondering what it wouldve been like. to be chosen at an early age as the seer the voice the channel of the gods, separated from the normal life of mortals in eating in wearing in sleeping in working, learning to enter the holiest of holies naked clothes drugged sober minded scared excited as world known to human life comes crashing down, being possessed by the spirits whatever they are (no way of discerning if you dont know Jesus poor souls) to see feel hear taste things unrevealed to us things we werent meant to have access to. isnt that amazing
who knows what they had seen? what breathtaking beauties horrors their eyes beheld. voices like rushing water lightening blinding glory blazing fire that burns to the bones wailings so terrible stenches of dying bodies wars in heaven and in earth forces indescribable pleasures forevermore who knows. they are in many ways more real and more important than homo erectus fossils and industrial revolution. these are the creatures of darkness the shadow children the beast that gloria anzaldua talks about. i used to say if i were born just a century ago i would no doubt be tried and convicted and burned as a heretic witch. but thats another story for another day.
caffeine doesnt bring me closer to God. Jesus does. but its something worthy to think about. what it means to encounter the Spirit of the living God, just as i am, scared shitless but heart racing brain racing excited. every time we take a hit, we come to life. the secrets the mysteries the depth of this supreme being are revealed to us. through dreams through Words through battlestar galactica episodes and taylor swift songs. what remained a privilege of those ancient oracles is now a right for me. im a royal heir. the Kingdom is mine. and this living water high doesnt run dry.
i love caffeine.

October 10, 2009 § Leave a comment

i want to go home

its late and im feeling so tired
having trouble sleeping
this constant compromise
between thinking and breathing

could it be that im suffering
because i’ll never give in
wont say that im falling in love
tell me i dont seem myself
couldnt i blame something else
just dont say im falling in love

some kind of therapy
is all I need
please believe me
some instant remedy
that can cure me completely

could it be that im suffering
because i’ll never give in
wont say that im falling in love
tell me i dont seem myself
couldnt I blame something else
just dont say im falling in love
cause ive been there before and its not enough
so nobody say it

dont even say it
ive got my eyes shut
wont look, oh
no, im not in love

could it be that im suffering
because ill never give in
im falling love
tell me i dont seem myself
good enough for something else
just dont say im falling in love
falling in love
just dont say im falling in love
falling love
dont say that im falling in love, dont say that
just dont say that im falling in love, yeah
just dont say that im falling in love
dont say but its the answer
i’ll never give in
falling in love

October 1, 2009 § Leave a comment

do you hear me
im talking to you
across the water across the deep blue ocean
under the open sky, oh my, baby im trying

boy i hear you in my dreams
i feel your whisper across the sea
i keep you with me in my heart
you make it easier when life gets hard

im lucky m in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again

they dont know how long it takes
waiting for a love like this
every time we say goodbye
i wish we had one more kiss
i’ll wait for you i promise you, i will

im lucky im in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
kucky to be coming home again
lucky we re in love every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday

and so im sailing through the sea
to an island where we’ll meet
you’ll hear the music fill the air
i’ll put a flower in your hair

though the breezes through trees
move so pretty you re all I see
as the world keeps spinning round
you hold me right here right now

im lucky im in love with my best friend
lucky to have been where I have been
lucky to be coming home again
lucky we re in love every way
lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
lucky to be coming home someday

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