September 27, 2009 § Leave a comment

funny how my heart was half yearning half fearing to see your face on those pictures, developed from my disposable camera you made fun of, sitting in that envelop from my mailbox. and what did i expect, of course every single picture you would be should be meant to be in didnt come out. blurry and gray and empty. of course. thats how its always been w you. you refuse to be anywhere but in my memory. i will not have a single picture of you. even when i secretly want to.
can you please leave me alone? im watching a preview of the office and you are there w your gun show jokes. i listen to imogen heap on youtube and you pop out w that jeff buckley hallelujah song. i tried to read my city planning articles and you show up in my head w the sunset and the tattoo and the rain and the drive. can i be without you for a second? please?
its unfair. and you are being cruel. i never asked to feel whatever i feel for you. you simply showed up. ben and jerry ice cream at midnight. made me say things i still dont know whether i shouldve said or not. a year and half later too many miles between us hundred txts slow emails counted days together. i know we are not going to be. and finally i swallow it. except the taste doesnt go away. i wonder if every kiss from now on will remind me of what could have been.
tell me. later. way later. when we both get married happily. children and grandchildren. be in my life. tell me then. that you saw me in every picture you took.

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