July 16, 2009 § Leave a comment

if thoughts ended there this would be a quite happy ending. but nope. lets talk about sex. i couldnt be the same person i was however many years ago.
real sex was by far the most convicting actually touching book on chastity i ve ever read. that book MADE me want to have sex the right way the only way the best way. with my husband in the middle of our ordinary boring clumsy anxious stressful even angry sometimes joyful spiritual deeply grateful back to tedious lives. when the author said that our culture lies about love/sex (even though i recognize the problem of putting these two together for some ppl) being based on excitement — ‘will he or wont he?’ ‘does she/does she not?’ aka THE GAME — something in me clicked. i love being in love! our culture loves being in love! the whole of human history loves being in love! now im not romanticizing shit. it is what it is. my first instinct of seeing something interesting that only we can appreciate — lets say a stray cat or a full moon or a wig — is to take a picture on my phone and text him. remembering our little moments of swing on the porch pillow fights on his bed feeding each other pizza in the car make me want to scream i miss you! at the top of my lung. hearing him say my name turns me into the happiest girl alive and im the queen of the world. i love being in love. i love the butterflies in the stomach. i love the wobbly knees and the dreamy smile and the heartbeats loud enough to hear them myself. but alas they last for only so long. insecurity and fear and mistrust and whatever start crowding in to feed on the sugary sweet honey glazed coatings of my heart. and each nibble sends me back to what i am forced to remember, that we are weak and selfish and foolish. that we are mortals.
maybe its ok for you, who grew up watching sex and the city and friends and when harry met sally whose characters can go on with life as they fall in love and out of it in the span of thirty minutes. thats how people have evolved into the dating beings they are today. find someone attractive. first date. first kiss. days weeks months maybe even years of blissful and not so blissful ups and downs like the caffeine rush that we all let ourselves indulge in. somehow they survive, not unscathed, but still alive. no matter how tattered their souls hearts may be through the hundreds of little heartbreaks and torn bodily ties because tv cannot show such things we cannot see for ourselves in real life. the spiritual consequences of love.
now i understand. we do reap what we sow — its been a year! hah! — its not a punishment anymore than a sunburn after sitting outside for two hours with no spf protection on an overcast day. when we choose to call him/her back. when we in the heat of the moment let our hands undo the buttons zippers knots. when we say what we ve been programmed to say since the wake of eternity in the heart of man, whether the timing is right or not is another story and not relevant while those words pour out of us. the vast web of events probable and improbable actually move shift dangle tear apart or stick together plop into existence. those intricate strings of realities are only real because we cause them set them into motion. yes we reap what we sow. then yes the crazy heartaches tears sighs sleepless nights im going through now are consequences of what i ve sown when i went over to his apt three months ago said things half buzzed at ungodly hours replied to his texts with ambiguous words that i myself didnt want to define –because secretly i thought, or felt, or knew, that the excitement the drama waiting to happen the crescendo of orchestra building and building was good what i wanted — pushing aside the very sure possibilities of these consequences i already experienced to be true. its in the distant future; do i have to think about them now? do i?
nonetheless, the feelings are real. i realized. the heart is real. the kiss the words the eyes the questions the smiles the compassion the comfort the fingers the memories they are all real. even if wrongly placed ill timed selfishly motivated. they are real. and perhaps this is why everything about falling in love is so dangerous, why i am so miserable. because i cant love like those characters on tv shows do. i cant love like samantha or carrie or rachel or monica or harry or sally or any of them. they dont know dont see dont have to think about the consequences. to them, in the world where God or spirit or destiny or unconditional love do not exist, consequences of giving your heart away and believing in the impossible are to be accepted as a fact of life. you just have to deal with it. its no more or less avoidable than the death of your grandmother. there is no value judgement there. is the death of your nana good or bad? neither! nonsense! it is what it is. we live and we love and we fail and we die. lets just keep it hopeful while we are at it. you gotta give it to them though. such courage. such hope. all for nothing. absolutely nothing. because there is more than what eyes can see. consequences happen not as a fact of life but as a part of our still unredeemed construction sites in the hope of the King to come and rule. so yes they can be avoided. yes the less mistakes you make the better. so far so good. premarital sex = bad. got it. which spells out many healthy boundaries both physical and emotional all in the name of trust in the good God who does give the best to satisfy our godly longings. in other words, do not call him back who you dont see having a future with even if you are clearly attracted. well, if the calling back is going to lead to selfishness like booty call. also got it. i cant love like tomorrow dont exist.
but im not done. another question emerges. in the art of staying chaste protecting my garden not arousing love until it desires so basically in the imperfect journey of sanctification, the mistakes i do make also form the character of who i am. i am only who i am because of all the mistakes that i made. and the heartaches that i survived through. and the story of my redemption is only through the saving blood of Christ who said He cares more for me than for my purity. how do i know? when the mistakes end and the best God always talks about giving me, if i would only let Him, starts? how will i know? if i dont ever make mistakes? you trust Gods goodness and grace that promise the best even when we are confused scared weak. relationships aint black and white good or evil. everyones broken we make mistakes, but that fear shouldnt stop us from taking chances risks leaps of faith toward the great unknown of rejection heartbreaks whatever. then love, with all the silly and fun butterflies in the beginning and the bittersweet more on the bitter side consequences, should be worth it. or at least in the definition of the world who dates like sarah jessica parker, its better to have loved and lost than not have loved at all. right? right? the kind of love that says i will let you have the cake and eat it too. whatever my destiny is is to help you reach yours. im laying my life down for yours. whether i feel like it or not today im not leaving you. because even if you are annoying and dont look cute anymore and cant have sex now its worth it. good and bad we are going to stick it out. like that umbrella song rihanna sings. its a compromise. time and will and hobbies and money and future plans and desires and thinking process wont look the same. and its the risk we both are willing to take. to make each other into better individuals. better communicators. better human beings with more compassion and patience and life. at least thats the hope. and of course we most times than not fail at this. we walk away. say its not fun anymore not worth it anymore too hard too much. then the game begins again. and i understand its fun. no strings attached. just the butterfly phases lets not go any deeper than we need to. lets not get attached. friends w benefits. game.
i dont want to make myself more miserable than i have to. but i dont want to not feel again for the fear of those consequences. thats what i did for the last twenty years of my life and when i turned 21 Jesus told me to let go and i lost every inhibition i had in the name of holding out for the best. they were only reflections of fear. and as i fell hard flat on my face i saw that whether i stand on one end of chastity or another Gods best doesnt change. because He Himself doesnt. whether i screw up with five more guys or i stop here wont change the best He has for me. i just wonder. if love true true love is all about self sacrifice, and i want to love you, if theres something beautiful in you i know and want to draw it out even if i dont get anything out of it even if you may not understand me treat me like shit and unable to handle all of this with grace and poise, if the desire is there, do i not awaken it? because its not the best? because its one of my mistakes waiting to happen? or because my real motives are actually out of selfishness that i CAN get something out of this relationship? o Jesus frak im calling your name.
when amos tells jessica to keep knocking because every time she hits him no matter how painful that shock is for both of them especially her while hes so unwilling to face whatevers is resisting that knock a little chip falls crack opens on his wall. keep knocking. but shes hurting that hes hurting when she tries. so she stops. its so hard. even when they both know the lives they both allow in each other is only because of Gods will. to know and learn how to love. loving is hard.
when yvonne decides to stop seeing henry because that one sided romance pulls them apart and saws off whats remaining of their friendship, even though the call is to bear each other with love and patience, she forces herself to accept boundaries. a distance of heart and body. they need it in order to love. loving is hard.
when matt breaks up with stephanie because he realizes shes not the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with, they both went their separate ways. he told me he gave up many things he wanted to do because of her. now he is tired of games. he wants someone to run with. loving is hard.
did joanne know when she said yes to bill that this was their best for each other? six years ago when they were only junior in high school? my dad said he knew my mom was the one when they first started dating twenty five years ago. what about van and lory? they both know all about Gods best. they loved each other im sure for about four years on and off. now they are not dating but are still good friends. they didnt know. they took a chance. and it didnt work out but its ok. mistakes. loving is hard.
last summer i let go of fears. didnt end up anywhere i thought i would. yes boy a and i are still friends. loving is hard.
for four days i ve been debating whether i should tell boy d that i miss him. first i waited because i was sure it was a bad idea. then i thought about why that may be. why i cant tell someone how i fee. i want to honest with myself. then i waited because i thought God convicted me it was out of selfishness. then He said its not selfish but a matter of trusting Him; it will lead to unnecessary heartaches consequences. its not the best. again that same argument. then i was waiting until i find a better reason why i shouldnt text him right now. can i just be a girl without all this long convoluted thought process on matters so serious as lifes calling and identity and worth and yielding to the best provision following whats unseen blah blah. now im tired of waiting. its not because i am malcontent with life. i love my life. i have so much to look forward to. so many things to be thankful for. so many loving relationships im blessed to have nurture grow build up. these are the moments i realize i am where i should be. this is who i truly am. this is when i am most alive.
i dont want to be bitter. i dont want to blame Jesus. i dont want to ever think that He takes things away from me. He doesnt. i volunteer.
so. life goes on again. as is. and im not malcontent. im going to stop writing for awhile.

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