May 29, 2009 § Leave a comment
the moment i met her, i knew. shes everything i hate and everything i pity. i feel for her. her very soul. bc this woman is me.
captive. to her own desires to her own circumstances. shes a victim. but theres something inside her that wants life so badly she will do anything ANYTHING to get what she thinks she wants even in the absolute limits of her existence. society created it yes but she forgets that even in the most confined cell of life she has a choice. to free herself if not in the pysical then in the spirit. but of course there is no way of knowing that. thats why shes a victim a tragedy. no one was there to tell her so.
i pity her eustacia vye. i bet she was beautiful yes she was. sadly that kept her eyes stuck on herself. maybe if she was a little more plain looking she would have found that freedom didnt have to be negotiated on her own terms. the state of her soul would have been easier to see. life abundant she craved so without ever articulating it to herself would have seemed more possible.
im thinking about eustacia again. the last time i did i was only trying to convince myself that i wont end up like her. dead to her own desires. like my old journal says sometimes we cant tell the difference between our fears and our desires. no i dont want to be like her.
now i know that i am not. im no eustacia vye. circumstances dont dictate who i am what i can do where i will go why i feel the way i do. choice is given me even in the worst of times. and its to choose to believe in love. yes i believe love. that no matter how many times i fall the words on the cross remain true. when He said it is finished HELLS YES He meant it is finished. sure my heart and mind and flesh will kick and scream its not fair. i shouldnt be let off the hook so easily. there should be something a catch a loophole in the system. but i choose to believe, its not about not falling anymore bc i will always fall i lie to myself if i say otherwise. its how quickly i get up after i fall. each time i get better a period of hiding in shame and avoiding light until i feel like i repented enough to poke my head out. sometimes that numbness goes on for days weeks i thought the months would never end. but i know now. even in the midst of my blatant rebellion to what is good i think He hears me. yeah i can pray when im committing adultery. i have a choice.
all this to say. freedom is mine. im being a human. it truly is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. in other words, i would rather hurt and bleed and know that im alive than dare not breathe till asphyxiation in fear.
bye bye eustacia vye.