May 25, 2009 § Leave a comment

honestly i think becoming more alive and more human and more in love w Jesus just make me more messed up. it sounds weird bc you would think that growing closer to Him would make you a better person. well the definition of better here is whats difficult.
on the outside the surface level whats visible as outward appearances tell me im fine. coasting. masks. sometimes i just numb myself unconsciously bc thats what human heart does in order to not feel pain. then one layer under if you really know whats going on you will say that i am hella fucked up right now. why does Jesus let me go through stuff like this? why does hatty do what she does? voices whisper you dont learn hatty consequences what a whore you dont love Jesus. but the deeper i peer into, taking about a year to realize what Gods been doing with me all this time, coming to full circle, im seeing something else.
its incredible. the depth of things. i didnt know God thinks that big. a whole years worth of drama and heartbreaks and tears and spirits of depression actually meant one thing. and the closer i come to this truth i am becoming more and more undone messed up broken.
but i like this.
hope will not die. faith like a mountain that cannot be shaken. and love makes me bold, not fearing never fearing.
hah this is so triumphant. i started writing feeling like a victim and a sinner and somehow i sound like a queen with an iron scepter. the psalmist aint lying when he says you will tread on the lion and the cobra. hah lions and cobras.
bring it.

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