May 30, 2009 § Leave a comment
Jesus redeems all things. like moving.
used to hate it. more like fear it like plague. i was traumatized after my end of freshmen yr moving out experience.
today. i had so much fun stressing over which asian condiments like fish sauce and hoisin sauce (what the heck is that?! will find out soon )to keep or toss away, realizing that Jesus indeed does redeem all things.
thank you Jesus. and hubert. and everyone at the ark whos made this experience more rewarding than i thought it would ever be.
actually as i write this i know that this is deeper than just not having to get frustrated over moving in/out of places. im learning to trust. to trust. to trust.
one day and a half left with no prospect of future roommates, $1000+ rent looming over my head, fear that maybe my eurotrip will have to wait bc of uncertain apt situation, what if the ones i do live with end up super boring or freaky or worse, dont want to ask my parents for money.
all these hadnt really bothered me much until today afternoon as i tried to rest with God in my half empty room. after about 30 min of panic and 2 hrs of joyful katherine scott kim walker misty edwards praising, its all good. i have peace.
what do you know. the first thing i see when i open gmail is a reply about a possible aptmate. yes He is good. i will say it again. He is good.
May 29, 2009 § Leave a comment
the moment i met her, i knew. shes everything i hate and everything i pity. i feel for her. her very soul. bc this woman is me.
captive. to her own desires to her own circumstances. shes a victim. but theres something inside her that wants life so badly she will do anything ANYTHING to get what she thinks she wants even in the absolute limits of her existence. society created it yes but she forgets that even in the most confined cell of life she has a choice. to free herself if not in the pysical then in the spirit. but of course there is no way of knowing that. thats why shes a victim a tragedy. no one was there to tell her so.
i pity her eustacia vye. i bet she was beautiful yes she was. sadly that kept her eyes stuck on herself. maybe if she was a little more plain looking she would have found that freedom didnt have to be negotiated on her own terms. the state of her soul would have been easier to see. life abundant she craved so without ever articulating it to herself would have seemed more possible.
im thinking about eustacia again. the last time i did i was only trying to convince myself that i wont end up like her. dead to her own desires. like my old journal says sometimes we cant tell the difference between our fears and our desires. no i dont want to be like her.
now i know that i am not. im no eustacia vye. circumstances dont dictate who i am what i can do where i will go why i feel the way i do. choice is given me even in the worst of times. and its to choose to believe in love. yes i believe love. that no matter how many times i fall the words on the cross remain true. when He said it is finished HELLS YES He meant it is finished. sure my heart and mind and flesh will kick and scream its not fair. i shouldnt be let off the hook so easily. there should be something a catch a loophole in the system. but i choose to believe, its not about not falling anymore bc i will always fall i lie to myself if i say otherwise. its how quickly i get up after i fall. each time i get better a period of hiding in shame and avoiding light until i feel like i repented enough to poke my head out. sometimes that numbness goes on for days weeks i thought the months would never end. but i know now. even in the midst of my blatant rebellion to what is good i think He hears me. yeah i can pray when im committing adultery. i have a choice.
all this to say. freedom is mine. im being a human. it truly is better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all. in other words, i would rather hurt and bleed and know that im alive than dare not breathe till asphyxiation in fear.
bye bye eustacia vye.
May 25, 2009 § Leave a comment
honestly i think becoming more alive and more human and more in love w Jesus just make me more messed up. it sounds weird bc you would think that growing closer to Him would make you a better person. well the definition of better here is whats difficult.
on the outside the surface level whats visible as outward appearances tell me im fine. coasting. masks. sometimes i just numb myself unconsciously bc thats what human heart does in order to not feel pain. then one layer under if you really know whats going on you will say that i am hella fucked up right now. why does Jesus let me go through stuff like this? why does hatty do what she does? voices whisper you dont learn hatty consequences what a whore you dont love Jesus. but the deeper i peer into, taking about a year to realize what Gods been doing with me all this time, coming to full circle, im seeing something else.
its incredible. the depth of things. i didnt know God thinks that big. a whole years worth of drama and heartbreaks and tears and spirits of depression actually meant one thing. and the closer i come to this truth i am becoming more and more undone messed up broken.
but i like this.
hope will not die. faith like a mountain that cannot be shaken. and love makes me bold, not fearing never fearing.
hah this is so triumphant. i started writing feeling like a victim and a sinner and somehow i sound like a queen with an iron scepter. the psalmist aint lying when he says you will tread on the lion and the cobra. hah lions and cobras.
May 16, 2009 § Leave a comment
i just keep wanting to chew more than i can bite to bite more than i can put in my mouth. why this incessant hunger? why the constant nagging in the back of my mind for more more more always more? i know God does not deny me anything. Hes proven Himself time and time again. whenever i desired and came to Him honestly He gave. its only when i try to fill myself with things i can get my hands on that i come home empty and sad and ashamed. but the ever starving part of me keeps wanting yearning dying for more. what i dont know. and what i think i do know theres something deeper than that. Jesus why did you give me this forever malcontent soul?
satisfaction. i want total satisfaction. i want to be full.
May 8, 2009 § Leave a comment
im scared again. last big huddle before its all over. somehow the hill looks so much bigger than ever.
i know Jesus is w me, and weve been through water and fire and volcanoes erupting. telling myself that Hes got me safe in His hands. its so close. the end, i can feel it.
but theres a part of me that wants to run away again. i dont want to be in my apt. i dont want to be in my room. where can i go where can i be where can i feel safe?
i dont want to have to try on my own anymore. things should be easier, not harder. and even though they are loads lighter than they used to be, i find myself still weak still afraid still hesitant. to jump over that last huddle.
debating whether i need to call someone right now and hide in their room for the night. the thought of sleeping in my own bed with the ppl i live with sounds impossible.
Jesus what do i need
May 4, 2009 § 1 Comment
can you get butterflies in the stomach for someone you dont like?
does that mean you like the person?
in that way?
who the hell came up with that description anyway
pshhh butterflies in the stomach. silly.